Disjointed Weirditude
So, I’ve been a bit uneasy about my referral ever since I received it. I got the call during the NOID crisis and before the new I-600 process was announced, so, obviously, that tainted my experience a bit. I’ve had all of the usual euphoric feelings that I imagine we all have, but when those subsided, I was left with this feeling, a detachment, that I couldn’t really comprehend. At first, I thought I was concerned with whether the baby’s first mother was coerced in any way (or, even worse, if she has no idea whether the baby is going to be adopted internationally). I don’t think that that was the root of the detachment. I think I get it now, though. I’m concerned that the baby in the picture isn’t going to be my child. I don’t for a second think that my agency has engaged in anything other than the most ethical behavior. I think I’m just concerned that until I get through the I-600 process (which, for me, has not even started), I can’t take anything for granted. I know that I will adopt a child at the end of this process, but I’m just not sure that it’s going to be the little boy whose picture is on my refrigerator. Not so much a feeling I want to be experiencing. I’ve read a lot of blogs, and I haven’t seen anyone mention this. I take that to mean that either I’m some sort of monster, or others don’t write about this.
Weird thing #2, I found out today that “my” baby (see, I won’t even type it yet) has the same name as my ex-husband. This is actually extremely strange, since they share an extremely uncommon name. What does that mean?
While writing this, I’ve found out that the first approvals under the I-600 process were received early this morning. Congratulations to those of you who received fantastic news this morning from the USCIS! (as if you’re reading blogs when some of you are traveling on Thursday!). I guess I get to wrap this up on a high note.
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Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
You are not alone on this. I feel the same thing, the same unwillingness to give my heart to the photo in any way. I am hesitant to announce our referral, even to family or real life friends. I am hesitant to celebrate in any way, internally or externally. Just because I don’t know how this process will unfold.
I am starting to come to terms with it now, and probably will even share our news when the time comes – but I’m still guarding my heart pretty strongly.
For myself, I liken it to not getting to excited about a pregnancy until it gets past a certain marker . . .
Thanks, Emanual (and congratulations on your referral!). I read all of these other blogs where families seem not to be experiencing anything other than joy (and the natural impatience that they’re not yet in VN) and I have to think there’s something wrong with me. It really does help that at least one other person in the process is feeling the same sort of emotions. I just feel uneasy. I’ve tried to compare it to a pregnancy, but in reality, the marker would need to be at about week 39 for me to get comfortable, since I just don’t see that happening until I get I-600 approval.
I think I’m simply coming to terms with the fact that nothing in this adoption process is all that pleasant for me, except what happens at the end. I’m certainly not excited like my friends have been when they were pregnant (you know, during the second trimester; I’m kind of grouchy like they were in their third, I guess). I feel no urgency to buy things for him, since I simply don’t know when he’ll arrive (not to say, of course, that I haven’t bought tons of baby stuff; just none of the important things like a baby monitor, etc.).
When I received my CFC, I literally felt like a weight I had been carrying on my shoulders had been lifted, but it’s starting to wear on me again. I suspect some of it will go away when I’m allowed to file my I-600 and a lot more when I receive approval. We’ll see. Instead of comparing adoption to pregnancy, I think in my case it’s more like high school. I knew I had to get through it and that college was going to be a lot more fun. I figure I’ve got to be a junior by now, so my senior year is just around the corner…
One set of pictures that I was given during my wait to travel looked like they were taken of a different baby than the one I had been referred. My husband said the same thing as soon as he saw the pictures and then later my mom did too. I was pretty bothered by it for a couple of days and then I realized that I would love whatever baby needed a home and family when I went over to Vietnam. I think the sense of detachment is a self preservation tactic so you can function. This international adoption rollercoaster is just too painful if you don’t hold back a little. I hope you hear good news soon!
Thank you Stacey. Your message really resonated with me. I’m sure that what you say about loving any baby is true (although I had a dream recently that I arrived at the orphanage and was given a little girl instead of a boy and I was inconsolable, strange). Pretty sure I’m not going to recognize the baby in the next set of pics, since I haven’t seen any for over two months now.
Two months late to this, but I completely understand your feelings. I just worry so much that my adoption will be disrupted that I can’t get euphoric over it. And that’s sad. I get angry and want to blame people for it, people i think unfairly robbed me of my joy in this process, but I don’t know…in my calmer moments, I think that may be unfair.
But it doesn’t make it any less sad.