We’re still alive

I think that all of the stress I’ve been holding in since even before I left for Vietnam has finally begun to dissipate.  I thought that when I got home I’d have an overwhelming sense of relief and well-being.  Not so much.  Aside from the jet-lag and getting Oscar and me back on US time (he made it in about 4 days; I took almost two weeks – figure that one out), I am kind of exhausted.  I don’t think I’ve let go of the frustration I felt during my wait, and I’m sure that’s been compounded by news of the impending shutdown.  I haven’t slept through any one of the many nights Oscar and I have spent together since the G&R.  I know that that just means that I’m a mom, but there’s a point at which I think my body is just going to take over and I’m not going to hear Oscar’s screaming so I can fetch him his bottle at midnight and 3:30 (yes, I know that a 10 month old really doesn’t need to eat this much, but he’s really starting to grow and is putting on weight finally).  I’m sure it will get better eventually.

I also have not managed to get him to sleep in his crib.  His caretaker at his orphanage co-slept with him, so I’ve been doing that as well.  I was more than happy to put him into a crib and I’ve tried on multiple occasions, but the screaming gets to me.  I know that some crying is ok, but I’m very concerned about letting him scream so much that he starts to shake.  Any suggestions on this one would be greatly appreciated.

We’ve really been laying low since coming home.  Although we did a lot of traveling while we were in Asia, things here do seem to overwhelm Oscar.  I imagine it’s all just very unusual to him.  The first time we went to the grocery store he just kept staring at all of the food stacked in the aisles.  I’m trying to keep our outings to a minimum.  I think I overdid it a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve noticed a marked difference in his attitude since we’ve been spending much more time at home (meaning we’ve gone days without getting in the car; just going for walks in the neighborhood).

Our big outing for the day today was going to the gym.  I dropped Oscar off at kids’ club and spent an hour on the elliptical, followed by a shower without an infant watching me.  It was fantastic.  Well, I thought so.  Oscar was clingy and a little cranky (well, crankier than usual and only wanted his formula and no solid food) for the rest of the day, but I think he’ll adjust.  I got some much-needed exercise and he actually played with some other kids.  One of the babysitters loves him (who wouldn’t?) and is willing to hold him if he gets stressed.  We’re doing it again tomorrow.  I have a little over two months left of maternity leave and I’m trying to get us into some sort of daily routine.  Losing my baby weight is going to be part of it.

Amazingly, the one thing I thought was going to be troublesome is the one thing that is going well.  Oscar loves our two dogs (a golden retriever and a whippet).  Even better – they love him too.  Well, the whippet tolerates him, but the retriever is his BFF.  So sweet.  He’s even a little protective of Oscar.  When Oscar goes to pull himself up using the sofa, he stands behind him, seemingly to keep him from falling.

I’m also trying to decide what I’m going to do about child-care.  Because of my work schedule (or lack thereof), I won’t be able to do daycare.  I’m thinking of going the au-pair route, and having a back-up nanny for evenings and weekends in case of emergency.  Anyone out there know if any of the agencies identified by the State Department is better than the rest?

Crazily, I’m considering moving to another house in a month when my lease is up.  The owners of this house will be back next spring and I’ll need to deal with it then if I don’t now.  Part of me thinks it’s better to do it now, when I’ll be home with Oscar all day, every day for at least two months after the move, instead of doing it over a weekend when I’ll have to go back to work.  Aside from having to move next spring, I kind of think it would be nice for us to start over together in a house of our own (preferably near the beach).  I’m probably clinically insane.

So, this is my new life.  I’m just trying to figure it all out in a way that won’t result in an attachment disorder or my child hating me so much that he ends up in therapy by junior high.  If I’m having trouble figuring it out now, what happens when I go back to work?  I’ll think about that tomorrow.

May 17, 2008 Posted by Oscar and Etta's mom | Adoption, Vietnam | Adoption, attachment, child care, dogs, grief, life as a mom, Parenting, screaming baby, travel | 3 Comments