Second guessing
Am I ready to be back in the world of international adoption? I’ve had my I-600 ready to file for two weeks now and I have not yet mailed it. In real life, I’m one of those hard-charging overachievers who gets things done more quickly than most can imagine. I generally procrastinate for a reason (although sometimes that reason is sheer laziness or exhaustion). Is the reason here that I’m not ready to dive back into this pool?
Every time I think about adopting this child, I start to obsess over everything that could go wrong within the process itself. Ethiopia really could shut down to singles. I certainly have not been led to believe these rumors are anything but that except for word I’ve received from two agencies (and I talked to many others). But I’m worried that this concern is going to be in the back of my mind in the same way the concerns I had about Vietnam shutting down were always present when I adopted Oscar. This isn’t really helped by the fact that the agency I chose is encouraging me to get my dossier in as quickly as possible just in case. I’m also concerned about dealing with USCIS again. I suspect my fears about them may not be rational, since the same issues that were dealt with in Vietnam aren’t as much of a problem in Ethiopian adoptions, but I’m still wary of them. My life was turned upside-down for eight months while CIS decided what to do in Vietnam and how they would implement their plans. I don’t want to go through that again.
What do they say, international adoption is not for the faint of heart? From my experience and those of the folks I’m watching go through it now, it’s a rollercoaster, and I’m not a fan of that sort of excitement.
So where does that leave me? Well, I’m going to adopt another child. It’s simply a matter of geography. I’m drawn to Ethiopia, but ultimately I don’t care where this child is from. I’m not invested in having a child of a particular race, culture, whatever, although I’ll certainly be invested in their culture when we’re a family. My primary objective in building my family through adoption has always been to provide a home to a child who needs one (this isn’t about “saving” a child, BTW). There are kids all over the world who need a family. Unfortunately, it’s not so easy to go about adopting them as a single girl. My international choices are extremely limited. My domestic choices might not be so limited.
People (including many agencies) keep saying there is a great need for families who are interested in adopting African-American kids. Obviously, I’m interested in doing so. You want to know the reason I ultimately chose to go with Ethiopia instead of a domestic AA adoption? It wasn’t because I thought there was a greater need to adopt from Africa – sure, on a macro level there might be, as there is a far greater number of orphans in Africa than in the US. But on a micro level there isn’t. Each of the children out there who need families deserve to have them. The reason I dismissed domestic adoption was far sillier. I’m scared of newborns. They terrify me. I have no idea what you’re supposed to do with them (other than the obvious feeding, changing, burping, etc.). Because of this I almost automatically ruled them out (I get the irony, BTW, when so very many people want to adopt a child AYAP).
Of course, domestic adoption is not without its own issues. If I go down this path, I’ll need to really consider whether it will be difficult for Oscar to have a brother or sister whose birth family might be in contact with him/her. I’m, of course, a little concerned with the possibility that a birth mother would change her mind (you know, the classic adoption worry). Clearly, I’m still in the process of working this through. The upside of all this is that I’ll be able to focus my social worker on these issues instead of the state of my closets when she stops by next week.
I’ll let you know what I decide, of course. Thanks for listening (yes, I know, reading).
Sweating the small stuff
As I’ve mentioned before, the only thing I dislike about adopting is the role third-parties play in my family planning. Since I’m early on in the adoption of a child from Ethiopia, the third-party that is having a significant impact on my life right now is my local adoption agency. For those of you who haven’t actually adopted, many people not only have an agency for the actual placement of their child, but they have an added bonus agency who does the paperwork necessary at the state level. Two agencies for the price of one, well, two really.
I’m in the process of getting my homestudy updated. Shouldn’t be a big deal, as I’m using the same social worker, but I have to have a home visit nonetheless. Aside from delivering to the agency documents pretty much describing most of the most intimate aspects of your life in detail, a social worker comes to visit your house. The purpose of the home visit really is to see that your home would be a healthy/safe environment for the child you’d like to adopt. That’s what they tell you at least. For some reason, though, I just cannot act as though this is true. Most people seem to sweat the disclosure side of the homestudy – you know, when you have to disclose whether you’ve been arrested, had a substance-abuse problem, health issues, etc. I don’t have these issues, so instead of breezing through the process, I obsess about the home visit.
My social worker will be at my home in one week, and I have developed a homestudy cleaning plan in order to ensure my house is spotless by the time the SW arrives on Tuesday. I will also be buying additional safety equipment (fire extinguishers) and enhancing my child-proofing. An added bonus is that I was already scheduled to have two rooms painted and new light fixtures installed this weekend, so the house will be looking great.
What bothers me is that I know better. Sure it’s great to have a thoroughly cleaned house, and there’s definitely a benefit to having additional safety features, but neither of these things are necessary for the homestudy update. The problem here is that I’m allowing myself to fall onto the same obsessive path that I followed during my first adoption. The path where I sweated each and every detail. I’m afraid this does not bode well.
Then and now – adoption forums
Like many prospective adoptive parents (to you bio mommies out there, we call these PAPs), one of the first things I did when I started down the road to adopt in Ethiopia was to join the relevant forums. I was incredibly reluctant to do this, as I had a love/hate relationship with the Vietnam forums while I was waiting for Oscar. Now, though, I really love to read the posts on the Vietnam boards, although I’m just a lurker.
I find myself comparing the Ethiopian and Vietnamese online adoption communities. Not based on their demographics, as I have no clue how these groups are comprised. I focus solely on the choice of discussion material and the tone of the participants in their forums. The upside of being a BTDT adoptive parent is that I’m no longer desperate for information from third-parties and I certainly don’t get as emotionally invested in the heated discussions in these groups. I was a sponge when I started the process in Vietnam. I may have thought about things like corruption in adoption, the adoptive triad, issues relating to having a multi-cultural family and more general issues like attachment, but I soaked up everything I could find (especially in these groups) and went back to my social worker to ask for more reading material. Now, I’m still curious, but I have a much better handle on what my opinions are about issues and those opinions themselves are far better developed than before.
The Vietnam groups were full of discussions regarding the ethics of adoption, focused (naturally) on corruption. Over the months, these discussions ranged from allegations of wrongdoing against agencies (versus wrongdoing of orphanages/individuals on their own), the malevolence (or not) of USCIS, and still my all-time favorite, the moral superiority of a PAP who had chosen an “ethical” agency or who had chosen to walk away from the program altogether in a condemnation of corruption (and not because it was clear that the program was going to shut down before they received a referral).
The Ethiopia groups I’ve joined have a different slant. Possibly because the corruption issue simply isn’t as prevalent, the debates focus on different topics. What I find the most interesting are the discussions about race (as issues relating to the race of the child I’m adopting now are seemingly more emotionally packed than Oscar’s, at least in our country (and if not, they’re at least a bit different)) and the adoptive triad.
I actually find the discussions on the Ethiopian boards about “birth” mothers to be similar on an emotional scale as those about ethics/corruption in Vietnam. There’s a huge focus by a small subset of one of these groups on compassion toward the first/birth mother. I’m all for this sort of compassion, BTW (in fact, it always astonishes me that we don’t extend this same sort of compassion to the birth father). What I find interesting is (a) how some people can turn a show of compassion towards another into a demonstration of what a great person they are and (b) how those attempting to be compassionate towards the first mothers can be so terribly insensitive to the adoptive mother. I find “(a)” to be very similar to the ability of some in the VN program to turn a discussion of ethical agencies into a demonstration of what an ethical person the PAP is.
The other thing I find fascinating about the PAPs in the Ethiopia program is how open they are about their faith (from what I’ve seen in the forums and on blogs, the majority of the people who post are Christians). I’ve read a lot of posts / blogs in the Vietnamese adoptive community and I have no idea what the religious preferences of most of the parents are. I’m sure many have a faith that is just as significant as those in the Ethiopia program; I find it interesting that people choose to show it in one country and not another. Not better or worse, just interesting.
Anyway, I’ve just been thinking about the differences, and while I suspect this might not be of interest to a lot of you, I’ve been trying to make sense of it in my mind.
The luckiest girl in the world
Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by the luck I had in adopting Oscar. I chose to start my process before the massive influx of applicants to the Vietnam program in the spring of last year. I chose an agency that worked in multiple provinces and had a (fairly) steady stream of referrals, and most importantly was willing to help me in traveling early (if six 1/2 months after referral is “early”) to get Oscar by allowing me to have a G&R before visa approval. And we all know I was blessed to get the world’s cutest little boy (yeah, your little boy is the cutest, too). I was also amazingly lucky to receive my visa approval in only 90 days.
When I was in Hanoi in February I met two other families using a different agency awaiting their approvals as well. Their agency had allowed them to travel, but had not scheduled a G&R for them. Both of these families are still waiting for a determination on whether they may adopt their kids and bring them home. I frequently receive email messages from other friends who are still waiting for news on their visa status. Friends who in many instances received referrals either at the time I did or even before I did. Because I shared my story of traveling early, I also receive messages from others I haven’t personally met telling me their stories of having a referral for a child involved in a dispute with CIS or the Embassy (where a birth parent who has moved, multiple requests for additional information, etc.). Some of these families have been waiting for over 6 months for their I-600 approval.
This spring’s news of the impending shutdown and the abatement of much of the I-600 backlog shifted the focus from those waiting for visa approvals to those waiting for hard referrals by September 1st. I know some of you still waiting for visa approval either in the US or in Vietnam check in here periodically, and I just wanted to let you know that you’re anything but forgotten.
*Evidently, I do need to add this note, given a comment that was just submitted. This post was meant to be solely a message of support to PAPs in the Vietnam program who are still waiting for their visa approval. Period. It has nothing to do with the merits of individual cases, and it certainly does not have anything to do with extrapolating from the news about the 300 babies reportedly stolen/sold in Northern VN that these PAPs’ cases are in any way suspect.
Transformation complete
So, I’m out shopping yesterday at one of those fancy (or spendy, as some say in the Midwest) kitchen stores, and I find myself drawn to a lidded casserole dish. A what, you ask? Well, it seems they are a sort of stoneware dish that one can use to bake a casserole, which can then be conveniently served at the table – without bothering to place the food in another dish. I know – the mind reels. Brilliant, really. Without warning, thoughts bombard me of a myriad of concoctions thrown together with noodles or possibly rice, some sort of creamed condensed soup and chunks of meat. Perhaps even cheese. Opportunities abound. I felt inexplicably drawn to the grocery store. No, not a fancy Whole Foods or even Molly Stone, but a simple Safeway, where I would be able to acquire the necessary items for this feast. While there, it dawned on me that my metamorphosis is complete. I have, in fact, become my mother.
Where did I fail you?
I’ve tried to be a good mother. I’ve read all the books everyone recommends to me, I try to keep an open mind, I spend time with my son (both the quality and quantity type). So, how, I wonder, did this happen?
My son does not like cake. There, I’ve said it. I was going to hide it from you, but in the hope that I might be able to help other parents come out of the closet on this, I thought I would share. I’ve tried so hard to develop good, healthy eating habits in my son that evidently I forgot to introduce him to “sweets.” He loves fruit, especially mixed in with ricotta cheese, so apparently he’s ok with the concept of sweet foods. He also loves maple syrup (as evidenced by his current love affair with waffles). But when faced with the culinary delight that is a vanilla cupcake with buttercream frosting, he wasn’t about to have any of it.
I mean, could he be more bored?
It’s not good when your child prefers to stick the cupcake into his ear instead of eating it. Luckily, Max was there waiting to clean up Oscar’s mess.
Even Nanny Norma was disappointed. She even interjected the dreaded, “in my country, kids like the sugary treats.” My failure is on a global level.
I vow that next year’s birthday will be different. From now on, this child will be on a daily diet of sugary, processed foods. No more of this healthy nonsense. Forget about the organic fruits and veggies. The only fruit this kid is going to see is as a garnish on his sugar-infused, super-sized snacks. I will fix this.
Homestudy update
I LOVED the homestudy agency I used when I adopted Oscar. From the front-office staff, to the director to my social worker, they were wonderful. Loved them. Unfortunately, my agency was acquired by another agency last year. These people so far have been HORRIBLE. I called them before I traveled to VN and they completely blew me off. I didn’t know whether I really needed anything from them, so I didn’t worry too much about it. Since I decided to actually go forward with an Ethiopian adoption, though, they’ve shown themselves to be just as inept and uninterested in me as before. I first called them 11 days ago to talk about updating my homestudy. Great, they said, I just need to get some info out to you and we’ll be on our way. So, I waited. And waited. Nothing arrived. I called back on Monday and got the snottiest woman ever on the phone telling me I just needed to wait until I got the papers. Fast forward to today and still nothing.
I’m not in a rush to complete this adoption. Of course, I’d love to have him/her home as soon as possible, but I’ve got Oscar now and I’m happy to keep things as they are for a while. Life is good. I do, though, want to complete my dossier. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get a response from an agency that is going to charge me another $1800 for an update (down from $2600 – woo hoo!) within a week. I’m going to have to call them again on Monday. How do I get them to actually get me the docs I need without sounding like a shrew? I would go with another agency, but I suspect I would have to start from scratch, and I really do want to use the same SW. Ugh. This is the only thing about adoption I don’t like – the fact that so many third parties are so involved in my family planning.
Such a great day
Oscar and I had a playdate in Sausalito with friends we met in Vietnam, S and her son BT. Such a handsome little boy, and he’s just the sweetest. When we left, he leaned over and kissed Oscar goodbye. Too cute! Oscar reciprocated, which shocked me, as he hasn’t been the most gentle of kids lately.
We hung out and did the playdate stuff, sharing toys, playing at the park, etc. The extra cool part was that we took a walk on the Bay (S lives directly on the water – rough life) and saw ducks and seven deer just feet away from us. Add this to the fact that the drive from our house in SF up there takes us through areas that people actual visit on vacation and it was just a great day.
Game on
I’m feeling pretty pleased with myself. Just ten days in and I’ve managed to pick a country, contact my homestudy agency about an update, fill out my I-600a, pull together almost all of its supporting docs and choose a placement agency. Last time, these things took me weeks and weeks to do (ok, months). I guess all of the agency debates while I was adopting Oscar were put to some use, since I was able to knock many of the agencies off my list almost automatically. Now, I’m off to work on my dossier and pull together a few docs for my homestudy update. Maybe this is easier the second time around.
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Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
