Blissful Ignorance

Wow.  Was I some kind of idiot when I started my first adoption or what?  I chose a homestudy agency near my home, chose a country based on the fact that it accepted singles, had a low incidence rate of FAS and had a culture I found interesting and chose an IA agency because my homestudy agency recommended it and other families did, too.  I didn’t know what a NOID really was; I didn’t worry about my country shutting down; and I didn’t worry all that much about ethics (I mean, they reopened the country, so the process had to be fixed, right?).  I automatically ruled out domestic adoption (who’s going to choose a single woman to parent her child?) and special needs (hey, there’s no way I could knowingly take that on). I had no idea what I didn’t even know about adoption.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch on this one.  Maybe I’ll adopt a bi-racial baby domestically.  There is an obvious appeal to knowing I’m not going to have to spend weeks (or months!) in a foreign country alone with my kids.  Maybe I’ll adopt an HIV positive child.  All I know right now is that with every thought I have, I have a number of thoughts questioning the original one.

Adopting domestically – it would be nice to have a child from the time s/he is a newborn, but I do wonder whether Oscar would somehow be jealous of that.  There’s also the issue that this adoption would likely be an open one.  Is it fair for one child to have a relationship (regardless of how close it is) with his or her birth mother when the other cannot?

Adopting special needs kids – I know now that I can take on far more than I previously thought.  I also have a better handle on the kind of life kids who don’t find families are likely to have.  Is it unfair to Oscar to have a sibling with a significant medical need that will require such a large amount of my attention?  Or, would that need eventually just become a part of who that child is that he didn’t even really notice it?  Do I really have it in me to parent a child with a chronic illness that could become a terminal disease? I think I do, but one of my best friends reacted to this prospect far more negatively than I had imagined anyone would.  There’s still a lot of mis-information and prejudice out there about HIV.  I know I’m open to “correctible” needs like a cleft palate.  I met the sweetest little girl in VN whose lovely mom was waiting it out over there, too.  Little RG had the sweetest disposition notwithstanding the fact that she had severe hip dysplasia and a club foot that had to be causing her extreme pain.  While I know the surgeries, etc. would be difficult, I no longer see those obstacles as reasons to turn away from a child.

Adopting internationally again – Where?  Jeez, it’s becoming tough for a single girl out there.  There’s Ethiopia, of course, but will it go the way of Vietnam?  The multiple trips required of some of the Eastern bloc (and Asian) countries rule them out for me.  I just can’t put Oscar (or myself or our dogs) through that.  There’s Colombia, although I would be looking at an older child, which raises the birth order issue.  I’m leaning towards India, but I’m not of Indian descent, so that makes it more difficult (added to the fact I’m a 40 year old single woman) and likely I’ll need to adopt an older child (birth order issue, again).  I’m interested in Thailand, but there are significant restrictions there.

Gender – Hmm.  Do I want to choose?  I’m thinking no.  Although I have a great name for a little girl and still  have some desire to have one, I know I won’t be asking for a HBG AYAP.  Should I adopt a brother for Oscar?  Maybe it wouldn’t matter to him.

Timing – While part of me would love to do my homestudy now, I know I can’t adopt until next summer at the earliest.  I do want to have at least a year with Oscar home alone before we actually bring another child home, so if I go international, starting back up now is the right choice.  From talking with some of you out there who have gone the domestic route, I’ve been shocked about how quickly you’ve been able to add to your families when you’ve been open to race, relationship with birth mother, etc.

So, while I was thinking that my second adoption should be a snap, I’ve managed to make it far more complicated than the first.  Not a surprise, really, if you know me.  Perhaps I’ll simply put all of the options into a hat and have Oscar choose.  Ok, probably not, but there’s some appeal there.

July 15, 2008 - Posted by Oscar and Etta's mom | Adoption, Red Letters Campaign - Adoption Journal, Single mothers, Vietnam | birth order, career, choices, corruption, domestic adoption, gender selection, international adoption, maternity leave, newborns, siblings, special needs, toddlers