Single parenting

It appears that Ethiopia may be planning again to restrict the ability of singles to adopt (this from a few agencies I’ve talked with – other agencies say they haven’t heard a thing).  They’re not prohibiting us from doing it, but they have a strong preference towards two-parent families, which makes me believe they’ll be going the way of China, perhaps.  This prompts me to revisit an issue I debated internally before I chose to adopt Oscar and even while I was waiting for his referral.  Are two parents really better than one?  Would Oscar have been better off in a two-parent household?

It’s easy to say that one parent is better than none, but even I have struggled with the question of whether two parents are better than one.  I almost didn’t adopt because I thought it would be unfair to a child not to have a father.  Clearly, I came around to the other point of view.  I think it’s critical that Oscar have male influences in his life, and he does – his grandfather and my friends (and as soon as he meets them, his uncles).  But, as I look at my friends in their two-parent families, I find it hard to believe that Oscar has been cheated in some way.  He has me, our full-time live-in nanny (bless her), his two dogs and my friends and family all showering him with love and attention.  Economically, we’re as well off, if not better off, than most people simply from my income, so he’s doing well there, too.  He doesn’t have a dad, though.  

Whether that dad were to live in our house or just visit on weekends, whether he worked too much or was as engaged in Oscar’s life as I am, he would be one of the two most important people in Oscar’s life.  Am I wrong for not letting him have that?  Looking at him, it’s hard to believe I am.  He’s so very happy and comfortable in his life here, but I’ll never really know what kind of influence a father would have had on his life (unless I miraculously find someone).

What I do know is this.  What makes a family is not the presence of a man, woman and child.  A family is a group of people brought together (either by birth, by adoption or just by happenstance) who share their lives together (in some cases, whether they want to or not).  It has nothing to do with blood or a marriage certificate and it has nothing to do with whether there is both a mother and father to raise the kids.  When countries restrict the abilities of singles to adopt, they’re simply saying that they believe we’re not good enough independently to parent their kids.  When they say we can only adopt SN kids, they’re saying we’re only good enough to parent those whose worth they think is diminished (because our worthiness as parents is diminished by the lack of a spouse).  The “more worthy” healthy children will go to the preferred, two-parent homes (whether those families stay intact or not after the adoption).

Listen, every country has the right to make their rules on who gets to adopt their children.  They’re sovereign nations with that ability.  If they decide that it’s preferable for two-parent families to adopt their kids, so be it.  I just happen to disagree with some of those rules and find it unfortunate that some children won’t be placed into some really great homes that happen to only have one parent.  Ultimately, I’m just happy that some countries recognize the need to open their doors to international adoption and actually allow it to happen.

July 18, 2008 Posted by Oscar and Etta's mom | Adoption, Ethiopia, Red Letters Campaign - Adoption Journal, Single mothers | Ethiopia, family, rules, Single mothers, special needs, two-parent families | 3 Comments