a friend drops by, asks you how you are and you spend a full ten minutes sobbing.  Do you know how long 10 minutes of crying actually is?  It’s a lot. It’s clear to me that the crying has much less to do with the career hit this week than other things.  I suspect that I’m making up for lost time.  Throughout the whole adoption process I didn’t cry once (and for those of you who may not have adopted, that’s a fairly big deal – adoption is emotionally exhausting). Not even when we were stuck in Vietnam with no idea when we’d get a visa for Oscar.  Not even when we finally returned home to the States.  There is a medical issue here at home regarding Oscar that also has had me reeling for the past two weeks that I haven’t gotten into online. I first heard about it around a month ago, but it’s taking me a while to process.  It’s not life-threatening or anything, but is extremely troubling nonetheless.  Missing my brother’s wedding also has got me feeling terrible, even though he and his fiancee (for less than 18 more hours) have been great about it.  All of this combined with my impending return to the office has made for a stressful week.

The career thing will sort itself out.  I like my firm.  I like the people I work with.  I might not really respect the decision a few of them recently made about me, but that doesn’t mean I want to run away or cast aspersions against them.  They’re wrong about me, and I’m going to show them their mistakes (or just fix the mistakes they think I’ve made).  If they can’t acknowledge they were wrong or that I have rectified the perceived issues, then so be it.  But until that final decision is made (or until I give up, whichever is first), I’m going to try to address the concerns that were explained to me.  The only hard part I see is being able to do so without resentment.  I need to go back to work without feeling like I was betrayed and I also need to believe that I haven’t disappointed these people.  I have a hard time being nice to people who have stabbed me in the back, and I’m also awkward when I believe I’ve disappointed someone.  Should be an interesting couple of days when I return.

I think I’ve reached a decision on the adoption front.  It’s true that I need a job to raise a family. It’s equally clear that that job doesn’t have to be this job.  I’ve spent the past ten years building my practice (not even counting the years of law school).  I have deferred building my family as long as I am going to.  If part of my being passed over has something to do with the fact I’m no longer the automaton I was, willing to work round the clock for days on end, then they’re right not to make me partner.  I’m not going to be able to work like I did all the time now.  The partners in my office for the most part have families.  There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to as well, so I’m going to continue with my plans regardless of whether it impacts my career.  There are plenty of good law jobs out there that pay a nice salary and don’t necessitate the commitment of my current job.

I’m also going to follow through with adopting from Ethiopia.  I spoke with a couple of agencies (including mine) this week that both said that after further research about the recent rumblings of rule changes, they believe these were more rumors than fact.  Who knows where the truth lies, but my dossier is getting kicked into high gear on Monday (you know, when I return to work).

Deep cleansing breath in.

Deep cleansing breath out.

So there it is.  The end of my first nervous breakdown.