Then and now – self-doubt
I had one of those horrible days where I seemed to question each and every decision I’ve made recently. I’m not entirely sure what triggered it; although it seems likely that it has to do with the fact that I’m making one of the large agency payments now in connection with adoption #2. I’ve been racked all day with doubts as to whether I should be embarking on this adoption. This is not aided by the fact that my mother has decided to actually express her opinions on my family planning decisions (I’ll let you in on a secret – they’re not entirely in line with my own). So I spent all day worrying whether I should be adopting now; whether I should be adopting a child who is not an infant; and worrying whether I can actually cope with having an HIV+ child. My favorite worry of the day was the worry that if I’m actually worried about any of these things perhaps I should just stop the process now, since I would imagine people should only do these sorts of things if they’re completely sure of themselves.
Then I remembered the self-doubt I had last year around this time while I was awaiting Oscar’s referral. You can’t imagine a girl more conflicted/unsure about the adoption process. Back then, though, the doubts were there only because of the fact that I had not had a child before, so the entire enterprise was just a leap of faith. I get how wonderful it is to be a mom now; that part I’m very secure in. The other things – parenting a child who has been in an orphanage for more than a few months and with a special need already identified – are issues I’m not familiar with. In fact; the institutionalization issue is scary for me since Oscar’s transition was so difficult and he had only been in his orphanage 7 months.
Then I get to the HIV issue, which for me is the hardest one (obviously). I’m not concerned about transmission; I am of course concerned about the possibility that she (did I mention child #2 is a girl? she is, and she’s super-cute, too) falls ill. I’m sure that this is a normal worry. People who know about her medical state usually tell me that I’m a stronger person than they are for being willing to deal with this – they would be overcome with worry, etc. These statements sort of perplex me because it’s clear to me that I am no different than they are. I’m certainly overcome with worry about all of this. I hate that I can’t control the outcome of this situation; that I don’t even have a clue how this will play out. I am approaching this with the attitude that all will be well; that even if we’re thrown for a loop, we’ll deal with it and everything will be ok. But, am I being cavalier? And, if I am being cavalier, is that a bad thing in this case?
In all of this there is one thing that I keep coming back to over and over again. It’s actually the possibility that things do not go well for us; that she does become ill. And, oddly enough, that’s when I know that I’m making the right decision. Because in the end, the one thing that frightens me more than anything else is the possibility that she becomes ill without her family there to take care of her. And somehow in that I’m able to find peace with this.
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My MIL had definite issues about our HIV+ son. We eventually had to take the approach of informing her that this was going to happen and that if she wanted a role in her child’s (and GC’s) life her perspective would have to change. It’s a paradigm shift for a lot of people when they have to introduce a disease like this to their family. It’s much easier to say that HIV is a gay disease or that its victims brought it on themselves when you don’t have an HIV+ family member whose sole reason for having the disease in the first place was having been born. It gets easier (and then harder and then easier again) as you progress down this road. Your self-doubt is the norm, if that helps. I personally wigged out so badly that I wanted to call things off one week before travel. Luckily had the wife to bring me to my senses.
Wow, that is certainly a lot to deal with at one time. I give you a lot of credit for taking on something that can be so difficult a decision. I think it is good that you are going through the process of thinking all of this out and letting your emotions and worries work through how you want to approach this. Sometimes it just takes time to figure out the best thing to do. Unknowingly, your mind is already working on it for you.
Those monkey-thoughts are doing a lot of jumping around! When I read your post, I thought of my husband’s accident three years ago when he broke his neck in the same location that paralyzed Christopher Reeve. Husband got said neck bones bolted together with titanium and is now a bit turtle-like in turning, but good as new. Point being that it’s all such a crap shoot. From what I’ve read on your blog, you have the capacity to deal – you’re resilient, thoughtful, self-aware, capable. But questioning and self-doubt is understandable. Hang in there during all of the process… A fellow AP in Santa Cruz