So, here’s what I’m thinking

I don’t think I want another child right now.  Wow, I actually typed it.  I mean, I want another child.  I just don’t want to disrupt my life with Oscar.  Things are great right now.  Even with both of us being very sick, my working too much and him seemingly breaking into the terrible twos already, I love our little life together.

Not to sound too much like Sallie Field (and if you’re too young for the reference, I’m sorry), but Oscar “really, really likes me” right now.  I cannot impress on you enough how big of a deal this is to me.  I know I haven’t really written about it, but it took months for the little guy to like me on a consistent basis.  Now that it’s happened, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to jeopardize it by bringing another child into the house.  I’m feeling like he needs more time with just the two of us (and honestly, I might be feeling like I need more time with just the two of us).  I have all of these things I want us to do together, and oddly I have a hard time imaging another child with us.  This is, of course, partially because of the fact that it is so difficult to imagine what my next child will look like (what with my not being able to really decide whether I want to adopt a little girl (for me) or a little boy (for both Oscar and me)).

I also have spent too much time online and talking with friends who have decided to be candid with me about their “real feelings” about their second child.  Jeesh.  Who knew there could be such deep-seeded ambivalence in such a decision?  I’m amazed by people who are willing to come right out and say that having their second child was a mistake.  I’m not saying that in a judgmental way – I’m saying that I’m amazed that people are willing to overcome the social taboo of admitting that they regret having a child in order to help spare someone else from making what they believe might be a mistake.  It has truly shaken me.

And I must admit that part of my ambivalence in this decision stems from the less than warm reaction I received from friends and family when I announced that I was going to adopt again.  I don’t mean this in an accusatory way.  I just started second guessing my decision when no one I knew congratulated me – honestly, all of my close friends and family members were at best tepid about it, and some came right out and told me I was making a mistake.  You know, usually I would simply ignore this type of advice, but this has certainly stuck with me.

There are so many other factors that are contributing to my difficulty in making this decision (the point I’m at in my career, Oscar’s health issues, the economy, uncertainty in the Ethiopian adoption process (regarding single mothers and also regarding relinquished children and more importantly new guidelines for APs to not travel in country with their child as the fact of IA in the country is making people uncomfortable), my unrealistic (and bizarre) hope that adoptions from Vietnam (ethical, of course) will again become a possibility and on and on).  What amazes me is that as soon as I come to a decision, I almost immediately reconsider it.  As I do not typically waffle on issues, I think I need to tread lightly here.  So, that’s the reason I’ve been so quiet about my adoption plans lately.  I just don’t know what my plan really is.

October 24, 2008 Posted by Oscar and Etta's mom | Adoption, Vietnam | international adoption, second children | 4 Comments