So, here’s what I’m thinking
I don’t think I want another child right now. Wow, I actually typed it. I mean, I want another child. I just don’t want to disrupt my life with Oscar. Things are great right now. Even with both of us being very sick, my working too much and him seemingly breaking into the terrible twos already, I love our little life together.
Not to sound too much like Sallie Field (and if you’re too young for the reference, I’m sorry), but Oscar “really, really likes me” right now. I cannot impress on you enough how big of a deal this is to me. I know I haven’t really written about it, but it took months for the little guy to like me on a consistent basis. Now that it’s happened, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to jeopardize it by bringing another child into the house. I’m feeling like he needs more time with just the two of us (and honestly, I might be feeling like I need more time with just the two of us). I have all of these things I want us to do together, and oddly I have a hard time imaging another child with us. This is, of course, partially because of the fact that it is so difficult to imagine what my next child will look like (what with my not being able to really decide whether I want to adopt a little girl (for me) or a little boy (for both Oscar and me)).
I also have spent too much time online and talking with friends who have decided to be candid with me about their “real feelings” about their second child. Jeesh. Who knew there could be such deep-seeded ambivalence in such a decision? I’m amazed by people who are willing to come right out and say that having their second child was a mistake. I’m not saying that in a judgmental way – I’m saying that I’m amazed that people are willing to overcome the social taboo of admitting that they regret having a child in order to help spare someone else from making what they believe might be a mistake. It has truly shaken me.
And I must admit that part of my ambivalence in this decision stems from the less than warm reaction I received from friends and family when I announced that I was going to adopt again. I don’t mean this in an accusatory way. I just started second guessing my decision when no one I knew congratulated me – honestly, all of my close friends and family members were at best tepid about it, and some came right out and told me I was making a mistake. You know, usually I would simply ignore this type of advice, but this has certainly stuck with me.
There are so many other factors that are contributing to my difficulty in making this decision (the point I’m at in my career, Oscar’s health issues, the economy, uncertainty in the Ethiopian adoption process (regarding single mothers and also regarding relinquished children and more importantly new guidelines for APs to not travel in country with their child as the fact of IA in the country is making people uncomfortable), my unrealistic (and bizarre) hope that adoptions from Vietnam (ethical, of course) will again become a possibility and on and on). What amazes me is that as soon as I come to a decision, I almost immediately reconsider it. As I do not typically waffle on issues, I think I need to tread lightly here. So, that’s the reason I’ve been so quiet about my adoption plans lately. I just don’t know what my plan really is.
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Let me share something my grandmother and mother have always told me when it comes to making decisions: “If it’s yes, then it’s yes. If it’s no, then it’s no. If it’s maybe…..then it mostly likely no for now.” Makes sense, yes? And since things are seeming to really “settle down” w/ you and Oscar….why rock the boat right now?
If you can financially/mentally/emotionally afford a second child…that is wonderful and you should definitely adopt one, but when the time is right! And I like the idea of possibly waiting for a sweet little sibling from Vietnam! Then you could take Oscar back for a visit AND bring his new brother/sister home with you! K
PS- What was the decision for Halloween? R-G is going to be Dorothy….complete w/ the hand-sequined (by a friend, NOT me!!) ruby red slippers. I can’t wait…I have become one of those nightmare “mommy” people I used to make fun of!!!
Bringing a child into a family is a “HUGE” decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I’m so happy to know that you are really thinking through your decision and wanting to make the best decision for you and Oscar. When I was little, my only real solid goal in life was to be a wife and mother. Funny thing is, no one took the time to explain to me how important or tough that job would be. I had to learn it on my own. I’m not one of those moms that regrets having any of her children, but I do regret not being more prepared to becoming a mother. Nineteen years later I am much more prepared and I love being a new mom. It’s a very different experience this time through and I hope the lessons I learned about parenting the first time through are a positive experience for not only my daughter, but for me as well.
As we have begun the paper chase for daughter #2, I find that I’m not as enthusiastic this time around. However, I know that is largly a result of giving so much of my time and attention to my daughter who is now home. There are times when it’s hard to imagine sharing my attention with another child right now, but when I see my daughter enjoying time with other children it reminds me of my childhood and how much joy it brought to my life to have siblings to share my childhood with. I want that for my daughter. That’s not to say it’s right for every family, it’s just to say that it feels right for our family and everyone needs to make that decision for themselves and to never look back.
I admire your transparency here. Two things I would like to say: (1) It is wise to act only after much thought and (2) All children are gifts.
My second child was unplanned and a definite shock to the system. Our first was only 8 months old when we discovered I was pregnant. I mourned the loss of my “alone time” with my first and really struggled with the adjustment of mothering two. But now I wouldn’t change it for the world! My kids (a girl, then a boy) are 17 months apart and the best of friends. They fill my life with more laughter, joy, challenge, strength and insight than I ever imagined possible. Yes, it’s difficult to split yourself between two, but your love multiplies in an inexplicable way.
I don’t know what you believe about God, if you believe in Him at all, but my advice is to pray about it. Your family and friends don’t need to agree with you. This is your decision. If you’re really not sure, don’t act just yet. Wait. Pray. Listen. God will let you know what to do.
Thanks Tanya. I’m still struggling with this one. Hope to be able to come to a decision sometime soon . . .