Done at one?
I’ve been pretty candid about my struggle with whether I should add another child to our family. I thought this struggle had subsided, but lo and behold, Sunday night’s vomit-fest threw me for a loop. Of course, it wasn’t the vomit that made me question having another child. It’s the fact that I, alone, had to clean up said vomit while trying to corral a very sick toddler and two dogs. This seemingly innocuous (albeit disgusting) task has prodded me into some fairly serious soul-searching.
Let’s start with the basics. I have one somewhat perfect child. I want another. But, then again, I also want quite a few other things in life, and this is where things get complicated. I am a single parent. I make all decisions regarding my child alone; I shoulder all of the responsibilities of having a child, whether financial, emotional or otherwise, alone; I worry about my child, and about anything that could impact my child, alone. And, for the most part, I’m ok with this. To the extent one can anticipate these things before having a child, I went into this single parenthood thing with my eyes open. In some respects, it’s been easier than I had anticipated. In some respects, far, far more difficult.
I find myself thinking about the reality of life with two children. Oscar is manageable on my own. We’re still pretty mobile; I can at least contemplate traveling with him (although I’m certainly avoiding doing it). With two? Are you kidding me? I know there are moms out there that do this – I’ve read your blogs – but I just cannot fathom it myself. I wonder how I’m going to deal with my career and the logistics of having two kids. Two sets of doctors and dentist appointments; two sets of classes, sports, etc. How am I going to cope with two kids who are sick at the same time? And don’t even get me started thinking about paying two college tuitions (but then again I imagine most parents don’t let themselves think about that prior to getting pregnant/adopting or there would be no children out there).
When I think of these things, I find myself wondering if I’m being selfish in questioning whether I should have another child. Aren’t these issues all just pointing to the impact another child is going to have on my personal time (to the extent I have any) or finances? Aren’t I really worried that a second child is going to be inconvenient for me?
What gets me here is that I had similar worries while I was waiting for Oscar’s referral (which none of you knew about because I didn’t start this blog until well after I had accepted his referral!). Not the same worries – likely because you don’t really understand what you’re getting yourself into when you don’t already have a child – but significant worries about whether I was making a huge mistake. Obviously, having him was the best thing I could have done in my life. So, my question is, do people more typically follow their heart than their head in their family planning decisions?
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My husband and I have a 7 month-old, and I recently broke my foot. It has been extremely challenging taking care of my daughter, and I don’t know how single parents do it. Before my accident, I felt I could be a single parent. But now, I cannot carry my daughter or bathe her. Luckily, my girlfriends and family have also been hugely supportive. My husband and I decided to only have one child for several reasons – we want to give her everything, I continue to be the primary income-earner, and we have other adventures we want to pursue in the future. Of course, having more children is possible, but like you, we are looking at practical factors as well.
Up until now I always had at least 4 years between my children. This made it very manageable. I think you are feeling overwhelmed by this idea because Oscar is still a baby. Yes it is very,very hard to have two babies. Problem with adoption is having no guaranteed time frame and you can’t see into the future to imagine Oscar when it would happen.
I will say that when I was about 6 months pregnant with my second child I started to feel the same way you are. I actually told my Husband I refused to have the baby. So many doubts ran through my mind.
I think you are a wonderful Mother and would hate to see a child who needs a home lose out on the opportunity of having a home and you as a Mother.
I wish EVERYBODY in this world would adopt as many children as feasibly possible and then we would have no more orphans.This is my dream.
I wish you much luck with your very hard decision.
Please be advised that the Surgeon General has posted the following warning: “Following your head can cause regrets.” Been there, done that, follow your heart.
I think you’re probably an excellent lawyer, I say this because great lawyers are adept at making great arguments. Sounds like you make a decision of the heart and then your head argues both sides of your case after the fact. Just a thought, I know I really don’t “know” you. I do wish you the best of luck in resolving your concerns though, either way.
I have absolutely no advice to offer you on the second child aspect except to say I agree with Sandra. I know I don’t really know you either, but I’ve read your blog since the beginning and your process of deciding with your heart and then arguing with your head is a process I am very familiar with. And maybe this isn’t what you do, but I know when it comes to the big decisions, my heart makes a choice (which is very often not the logical or practical choice) and then my head immediately argues against it. It makes things very confusing and frankly quite debilitating. I hope whatever is in your heart that that’s what you choose. Whether it’s to add another child to your family or to keep it as the two of you. I think in the end, as cheesy as it sounds, you really do need to follow your heart.
I say heart but I also totally agree with Maribeth in that as soon as I make that heart decision, my head starts arguing and that can be absolutely debilitating sometimes (thus, the silence on my blog the past two weeks). I wish you the very best as you work through this.
I agree, go with your heart. I too am a single adoptive mom and most likely had the same apprehensions/ worries/concerns you did. For various reasons, #2 is not an option for me, but I do know that if I hadn’t followed my heart for #1 I would have regretted it. All the best and I will be following your journey no matter what you decide.
When it comes to adding a child to your family, the heart should always win!!! After all, it’s your heart that ultimately gets you through the rough nights and the tough days. It’s also your heart that rejoices in the little things day after day. The heart leads us down the emotional paths of life and adding a child to your family is one of the most emotional things any of us ever do.