The suckitude of the past two weeks Part I

I suppose it wasn’t a nervous breakdown, but my referral certainly set off a chain of events (or perhaps was simply the first in a chain of events) that had me shutting down many things that were not mandatory for me to do.  Like, you know, blogging and wearing makeup and stuff like that.

I received Etta’s referral and was thrilled, but along with the excitement came all of those emotions that I felt when I received Oscar’s referral.  The whole “this is my child (?)” thing.  Ugh.  It was bad enough the first time I went through this (the questioning, not the adopting).  I was really doing it again?  So, I spent days poring over Etta’s pictures (the very few good ones all thanks to one really awesome mom who just picked up her son) wondering about her.   What she really looked like, how old she really was, will she hate me, does she laugh or smile, how big she was . . . was she meant to be part of our family.  Whoa.  What?

As many of you know, I am not a “meant to be” person.  I reject determinism (basically the belief that every event is causally determined – in fact, a lot of you probably do, too; if you believe that things are pre-determined to happen, ask yourself whether you should blame people when they do something “bad” or wrong; is it right to punish someone when their actions were pre-determined?  or do you ultimately believe that they had some part in their actions? - sorry, the philosophy lecture is now over).  So, why was I obsessing over whether this tiny little girl was fated to be my daughter?

I have some thoughts on the why’s, but ultimately, that doesn’t matter.  I think it’s appropriate to freak out a little when you’re matched with a child.  It’s natural to wonder whether this little person, a complete and total stranger, would want to be a part of your family.  Whether the whole mother-child bond will happen.  How the addition of another child will impact the child you have at home.  Whether you’ll be able to make it all work out.

Sadly, that’s not what I was worrying about with Etta.  I was not thinking about whether that bond would happen or, more appropriately, when it would happen.  Ultimately it dawned on me that I was engaging in exactly the behavior that I found confusing in others.  Wondering whether she was “the one.”  When I realized what I was doing, I looked back at what initially motivated me to adopt.  That had nothing to do with finding the “right” child.  The child who was meant to be with me.  I was motivated by wanting to have a family and wanting to build that family through adopting a child who simply needed a family. 

When I figured this out, everything went back to normal, to the extent that can exist during an adoption process.  It does not matter whether Etta was divinely or mystically fated to be in our family.  It just matters that she is part of it and that I know I’ll do whatever is needed to make sure our family works. . . at least until the kids are teenagers.  At that point, all bets are off.

February 27, 2010 Posted by Oscar and Etta's mom | Adoption, Etta, Waiting | 8 Comments