The suckitude of the past two weeks Part I
I suppose it wasn’t a nervous breakdown, but my referral certainly set off a chain of events (or perhaps was simply the first in a chain of events) that had me shutting down many things that were not mandatory for me to do. Like, you know, blogging and wearing makeup and stuff like that.
I received Etta’s referral and was thrilled, but along with the excitement came all of those emotions that I felt when I received Oscar’s referral. The whole “this is my child (?)” thing. Ugh. It was bad enough the first time I went through this (the questioning, not the adopting). I was really doing it again? So, I spent days poring over Etta’s pictures (the very few good ones all thanks to one really awesome mom who just picked up her son) wondering about her. What she really looked like, how old she really was, will she hate me, does she laugh or smile, how big she was . . . was she meant to be part of our family. Whoa. What?
As many of you know, I am not a “meant to be” person. I reject determinism (basically the belief that every event is causally determined – in fact, a lot of you probably do, too; if you believe that things are pre-determined to happen, ask yourself whether you should blame people when they do something “bad” or wrong; is it right to punish someone when their actions were pre-determined? or do you ultimately believe that they had some part in their actions? - sorry, the philosophy lecture is now over). So, why was I obsessing over whether this tiny little girl was fated to be my daughter?
I have some thoughts on the why’s, but ultimately, that doesn’t matter. I think it’s appropriate to freak out a little when you’re matched with a child. It’s natural to wonder whether this little person, a complete and total stranger, would want to be a part of your family. Whether the whole mother-child bond will happen. How the addition of another child will impact the child you have at home. Whether you’ll be able to make it all work out.
Sadly, that’s not what I was worrying about with Etta. I was not thinking about whether that bond would happen or, more appropriately, when it would happen. Ultimately it dawned on me that I was engaging in exactly the behavior that I found confusing in others. Wondering whether she was “the one.” When I realized what I was doing, I looked back at what initially motivated me to adopt. That had nothing to do with finding the “right” child. The child who was meant to be with me. I was motivated by wanting to have a family and wanting to build that family through adopting a child who simply needed a family.
When I figured this out, everything went back to normal, to the extent that can exist during an adoption process. It does not matter whether Etta was divinely or mystically fated to be in our family. It just matters that she is part of it and that I know I’ll do whatever is needed to make sure our family works. . . at least until the kids are teenagers. At that point, all bets are off.
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Where I’ve Been
I have been and continue to be right where you are! I love what you said about going back to normal. I really think from here on out it will be a new kind of normal and that scares the *&%$ out of me:) Oh and as for teenagers, my teenagers weren’t hard at all. It actually got hard when they became adults and I no longer had any control over them. At least when they were 16 or 17, I could just take away their car and therefore their life:) Can’t wait to meet your baby girl!
You’re giving me hope on the teenage years! Really can’t wait for you to meet her, too. Hope it’s very soon!
I’ll spare you the lecture on my complicated understanding of free will, determinism and predestination. that would probably take some drinks with tiny umbrellas in them. the short cut is that I spent a lot of time after match wondering if there had been an error. She was much younger than I’d had in my head, and I spent some time wondering if she was really meant to be mine–a thought process that I ordinarily reject with regard to adoption. (To believe that she was meant to be mine would be also to believe that her mother was meant to die and leave her an orphan and I really just don’t believe that.) Even now, sometimes I think “wow, she loves to sing and so do I; she loves shoes and so do I–we were meant to be together” and then slap myself.
I do think it’s a natural tendency….sort of like how new birthparents check out cheekbones and eyes to see bits of themselves in the baby. I think adoptive parents–regardless of what we believe when we’re thinking about other things—also look for some sign of familiarity, and that ends up translating into “the one” thought process.
Glad you’re back to the “new normal.”
have you told work yet?
Your example is my favorite, but I was scared to go there, lest I be flamed.
I’m all for finding the similarities. I do it with Oscar, too. I think that’s totally understandable after the fact, to enjoy them, like I enjoy a lot of the differences, too. Learning the little things that make your little person who s/he is and loving that there are similarities even when there’s no genetic link. What I was doing was far from that, though. Just glad it’s over.
You already know this, but most major life decisions are met with questions. Am I doing the right thing? Can I afford this? OMG, what am I doing? Can I really be this lucky? I would consider the addition of a child to be a major life decision and having questions and/or doubts is absolutely normal. We spend months waiting and dreaming of the day we receive our referral and when it finally arrives it all becomes real. For me, true reality probably won’t set in until I’m actually holding my daughter in my arms and we may actually have to be home a while before it feels completely real and permanent.
Like you, I’m also not a ‘meant to be’ person. When I was younger I was, but life experiences taught me that the only person I can control is myself. I had no control over the decision that was made by the orphanage board to place Naomi with our family, but I trust they made the right decision and I feel a great sense of responsibility to Naomi, her birth family and the board members that have entrusted her to my care. That sense of responsibility is yet another reason to ask questions and wonder if the right choice was made. I’m believing the answer is ‘yes.’
RIght there with you, friend. Thanks for articulating it so well.
Someone said something to this extent the other day to me, ironically. To which I replied, “Actually…our daughter would have been adopted my someone else if we hadn’t adopted her…my reasons for adopting her weren’t to ‘save her’ or because it was ‘meant to be’…it was because I wanted to be a Mom. So to an extent it is a bit selfish.”
I would have never responded this way had the man not been a total a**hole.
He left us alone…and no, our daughter was not present. If she had been, I would have told him that she understands what he is saying and he needs to think about what he says in front of children. Seriously.
Glad you are over the hump. I hate the meant to be crap too…I do believe though that things happen for a reason. There is a reason you are Oscar’s mother-we have discussed this before.
I wondered if something was up, you were awfully quiet for a week or so. Glad you are back:-) And just get ready for the next “nervous breakdown”..yep, I am full of support aren’t I?!!!