The Great Debate – Trans-Continental Travel with a Toddler?
Okay, I may have been a bit delusional optimistic when I said that I was taking Oscar to Ethiopia to meet Baby Etta. I am in the midst of quite the internal struggle on this, so I thought I’d see if any of you have some thoughts on the subject.
Here’s the situation. Oscar and I have had some attachment difficulties, although we’re in a good spot right now. He’s even learning to separate from me more easily than he has in the past. While I’ve never had to leave him overnight to travel for work, I have had to work overnight, which is the same thing to him. He does fine with it, although he is understandably a little more clingy when I return. I haven’t left him for more than one night, though.
I obviously have two alternatives – take him to Ethiopia or leave him at home. Escort is a third, but that’s not for me. If he goes with me, I’ll take my mom as well. If he stays at home, he’ll be there with Nanny Norma and both of my parents (whom he adores).Â
Taking Oscar to Ethiopia:
Pros:
- Oscar will be there when our family is “created”;
- Oscar will get to see Etta’s homeland (although this will really mean that he’ll see the Addis Ababa airport twice, a guest house, an orphanage (which actually worries me) and a care center and maybe Sidama);
- Oscar and I will not be separated;
- We would avoid the situation where I return from a one-week long absence to a stressed out Oscar, who sees me holding another child, and that child does not go away;
- We might be able to visit Etta’s birth family;
- People say that newly adopted children transition more easily when other children are present;
- I will not be freaking out constantly worrying about Oscar;
- Since my official maternity leave won’t start until later in the year, traveling together would give us more time to bond before I have to return from “vacation” and get back to the office;
- I like being around Oscar, traveling with him and my mom could be fun; and
- Depending on our route, we could possibly tack on a couple of days in Rome or Cairo or even just looking around Ethiopia (you know I love a good vacation, even if it’s brief).
Cons:
- 17 hours in a plane with a non-verbal toddler;
- jet-lag after a trans-continental trip with a toddler (for all three of us – on both legs of the trip);
- I would be obsessed about keeping Oscar healthy en route and in country (mostly worried that he was going to get water in his mouth while bathing) and I’d likely freak about whether my mom would stay healthy, too;
- Oscar is hitting that picky toddler stage when he’s really tough to feed – he’s only eating fruit and cookies right now, which could be extremely difficult (but really, there’s always mac and cheese in a box that I could take with us; he’ll eat when he’s really hungry, right?);
- My dad would have to stay home, since traveling for 30+ hours is not a possibility, and that would suck for him and my mom;
- My mom would be constantly worrying about my dad; and
- $4000, give or take, in additional airfare, etc. That would pay for a lot of speech therapy.
Traveling alone, with Oscar at home with Norma, Grandma and Grandpa:
Pros:
- I would have a few days alone with Etta and an opportunity to get to know her, focused solely on her;
- I would avoid all of the “cons” listed above;
- I could theoretically travel to see Etta’s birth family (if possible);
- Oscar’s routine remains unaltered, with the bonus of having Grandma and Grandpa at his house, taking him to the zoo, beach, etc. during the week, with the added bonus that apparently Grandma remembers how to bake when she’s around her grandson, so there would be fresh chocolate chip cookies;
- I would be able to take Ambien both on the way to Ethiopia (arriving somewhat rested, since I’ll take Emirates and stay overnight in Dubai) and again when I return home (since I’d ask my parents to help with the kids the first two nights back – NOTE to my parents – I did not do this with Oscar, but I will be doing it with Etta; just a heads up if we go this route), so I think this is the clear winner if I’m focused only on jet lag (which I’m not – but four people suffering from jet lag instead of two is obviously a worse thing); and
- Who is to say that our family is “created” when I meet Etta and not when I take her to meet her brother?
Cons:
- I would want to make the trip as brief as possible, which could result in my not getting to see Etta’s birth family;
- From my perspective, a week without Oscar;
- From Oscar’s perspective, an eternity without mom, followed by her return with a baby who always wants to be in her arms – oh, and mom is really cranky;
- Our attachment journey has already been rocky; adding a child is going to hit it hard – doing that after a week’s absence could be very detrimental;
- This is the tougher option for Nanny Norma, since there will only be ~10 days between Oscar meeting Etta and my returning to work, instead of 16; and
- I really dislike the idea of not taking Oscar with me to meet his sister; I feel like this might be a mistake, although I can’t explain why.
Thoughts?
16 Comments »
Leave a Reply
-
Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
One thing I have gleaned from following you via the blog over the last year or so is that you tend to follow your gut feelings and, it would seem that those instincts have served you well so far! Sounds as though your gut is telling you to take him. So I say go for it! Mind you, this comes from a person who has zero first hand experience : ) Best, Amy
We are taking Lili with us to Ethiopia. I believe she and Oscar are about the same age. Our reasons for deciding to take her versus leaving her home are as follows:
1 – She’s never been away from mommy overnight.
2 – Mommy has never been away from her overnight.
3 – Her personality assures a much more difficult adjustment to her new baby sister if we leave for a week and then come home with a new baby in our arms. We feel pretty confident that she’s going to have adjustment issues regardless, but they will be more significant if she’s not there from the beginning.
4 – We don’t have many options of people we can leave Lili with for that length of time.
5 – Taking her with us is allowing us almost 2 weeks in Ethiopia. This us allows us more time to take in the sights, sounds, tastes, etc. of Ethiopia and allow Naomi more time with her new family around the sights, sounds, tastes, etc. that are more familiar to her. If Lili didn’t go with us, we would have made the trip as short as possible out of necessity.
6 – We get to adjust to the jet lag together both on the trip there and back.
7 – Did I mention Lili and I have never been apart over night?
Anyway, we will have been to Ethiopia and back with Lili before you have made your travel plans and I will most certainly do blog posts about our travels and how she did on the trip. Don’t know that our adventures will assist you in making the decision to take Oscar or leave him home, but they just might.
Believe me, I’ll be watching your journey with great interest!
I took Delila and my sister with me to VN. It was very hard. I had handsful with a very freaked out Henry and Delila took full advantage. She ran around and put things in her mouth ate things off the floor ect… YUCK!!! Even though it was hard I’m glad I took her. We are not taking any kids when we go to Ethiopia. It’s differnt though they’ll be bigger and they have eachother. Sorry I am no help.
There is no right answer.
beanblanket.com is awesome AFFORDABLE!!!
Having done the whole VN trip and living through the jet lag there and back I would not take him. Remember how hard those first few days were? I couldn’t imagine having a toddler with us when we are were trying to keep ourselves awake and emotionally deal with a new baby. Oscar will be left in good hands at home. He has a great connection to nanny Norma and your parents. I think the trip would be really hard on the both of you and you need to focus on Etta. This will be a good a time for you and Etta to get to used to each other before she comes home to a big brother. If you do take him I would definitely take your mom!
Eh, I’m with the first responder–you know yourself and your gut says “take him.”
I did the Emirates thing and found that I arrived in ET totally ready to hit the road. The jet lag was in Dubai. Also, Emirates is WONDERFUL with children. They have something like 20 kid’s DVDs on demand, and give the kids toys, etc.
Fruit and cookies are plentiful in Ethiopia. Most of the guest houses have kitchens where you can cook your own stuff. Our guest house, for example, had only purified water in the kitchen, so really the only place to fuss about water is the bathroom.
I’m not sure I’d take him to the orphanage either. I think there’s something to be said for a mother-child moment, and meeting Oscar and Grandma at the guest house. But your instincts will kick in.
I took Gabi with me to Seoul this year. She was 3.5, verbal, and very mature. The situation in Seoul is that you don’t get the baby until the day you leave the country, in our case, because of flight times we got him late afternoon, and then flew out first thing the next morning.
i loved loved loved having Gabi with me for the 4+ days we were in Seoul without the baby. The second they put screaming Zane in my hands, I wished I had left Gabi at home. First, and foremost – i think being trapped in close quarters with a screaming traumatized kid was not good . . . and when she had to seperate from me, “I’ll walk Zane, you and daddy go on your own adventure” well that didn’t go well either. Aweful – and she totally played the “Only mom can take care of me!” card, which was not at all like her. Stressed her, me and the baby to high heaven.
She wanted to help with everything with the baby, as would be expected, only the baby was a screaming mess . . . and I had no idea what I was doing with him, so pretty hard for her to help . . . so she again felt bad.
The whole kids like kids thing, which I was banking on . . . was so not true for Zane . . . Gabi being there did not help his transition at all.
I do think I would have been considerably less stressed, more able to deal with his total endless freaking out if i wasn’t also stressed about Gabi. And Gabi never flipped out or tantrumed . . . if she had . . . oh boy.
Zane cried most of the night, which meant Gabi got limited sleep, and then she got no sleep on the airplane home . . . which meant I literally carried Zane in my front pack, Gabi on my hip, a back pack on my back, a roller bag, pillow and blanket in my hand all the way through Chicago. When I sat down in Chicago to wait for our connection, I cried and cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t stop, it was uncontrollable . . . I was so tired . . . it had been nearly 48 hours without sleep, most of that time pacing a screaming baby around . .. . Well, Gabi didn’t need to see me crying like that any more than she needed to sit next to Zane while he screamed bloody murder for the better part of the international flight, or all the way through the airport in Chicago. How stressful to her to hear him screaming, see me just lose it. . .
When we got home, it took her two full weeks to get on her schedule. The first night, both her and Zane were up with me at 2am . . hadn’t gone to sleep yet. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I literally did not sleep for 3 full days starting the minute they handed me Zane . . . and that was with my mom and husband at my beck and call . . .
I don’t know if you should take him or not . . . but know how bad it can go. If he would be totally happy and safe at home with his own routine and people he loves, I personally would think it is the lesser of all evils to leave him for the first real time and return a week later with a baby in your arms.
No matter what you decide . . . as long as it’s the right thing for you, however it breaks . . . it will just be another part of your story and you’ll get through it either way.
You know where I stand on this…you have to do what is right for you and for your family!! What ever decision you make will be the right one:-) I know, I am so helpful!
You now have two to consider. They have to share. You have to do what is best for both. Which I know you will do in the best way for your beautiful unique family. So the rest of this is just food for thought…(me playing devil’s advocate):
He is too young to appreciate Ethiopia or the creating a family moment “actual” moment. For him, its a long boring plane ride, high stress, strange place, where he’s not the focus and long ride back sharing his mommy with a stranger on a boring plane, where he’s not the focus, etc. Better to face family adjustment issues at home with there is a comforting familiarity as you build the new routine that will frame your lives. You will miss him, he will miss you but he’ll have Nanny and routine and grandparents. And he’ll meet his little sister on his own turf.
You, traveling the first leg alone, will have rest, focus, time to meet your new daughter and respond to her needs which once you get home and for the rest of her life, will include her brother, not a bad thing mind you, in fact a wonderful thing, but maybe not the first week or so.
Kids don’t know time and yet they do, he will miss you, you will die a bit missing him, your pain will be worse and less easy to forget, such is the way of all parents and children.
You have to know, it doesn’t matter when he meets his sister, the adjustment is going to be huge, do you want a huge adjustment in Ethiopia detracting from your daughter or one at home? Its happening either way, you only get to call the time and place. Having your Mom travel with you would be great but you can do this on your own, its a joyful trip.
The only thing that gives me pause is “I really dislike the idea of not taking Oscar with me to meet his sister; I feel like this might be a mistake, although I can’t explain why.” because that is your instinct talking which I respect BUT (you saw that coming didn’t you?) you can’t explain why-(not that instinct is to be explained, duh, I get that) so I think it could be a combo of magical mom-think as in if he’s there at the inception he’ll get it and be good with the interloper or your heart masquerading as your head saying I would miss my baby and want him with me whatever the reason ’cause its a family event.
So as you can see I’m leaning towards leaving him at home safe while you meet his sister. But its just an opinion of the moment and as a lawyer you know what they’re worth! ;0)
So happy for you that this is what you get to worry about!!! Yayyy, you’re going to meet your baby girl soon!
How lucky you are to have the insight given so far. Such thoughtful and caring advice. Whichever you choose it will work out fine in the end because you love them.
Just a quick note to say that when I accompanied my daughter to VN to pick up her second daughter it was very difficult for everyone. We took an almost 4 yr old with us who had been adopted from China at 10 mo old. In VN she was very possive of her MOM and the baby ended up attached to grandma instead of Mom The older child would not let Mom spend time with the baby. On the other hand I think it was good for her to experience the orphanage visit although it wasn’t anything like the orphanage she came from in China. It’s a very difficult situation to call but just go informed of the difficulties you may have if you decide to take Oscar with you and make the best of it.
My two cents – I left my son and he actually had to travel to Florida with the au pair to stay with my parents. But, he knows them, they did really fun things with him and he had all the attention. The only time he freaked out was when I tried to Skype, and he was visibly upset. But out of sight, out of mind for the most part. He would look at pictures of me and say Momma, but not be upset that I wasn’t there. Of course I missed him terribly, but I was busy and he was busy!
He came home a few days after us, so I had a chance to get over jet lag and adjust with my daughter. Yes, he was jealous and liked to hit her, but I gave him oodles of attention when I was home, Mom also flew back to bring him to SF, so she could help with her while I did fun things with him. I also talked about here a lot before I travelled, had a picture of her and kept telling him about his baby sister. After going through all this I am so glad I did not take him. It just would have been too much for all of us. And remember when in a hotel room, if one kid wakes up, both wake up and that is really, really hard!!
Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family. We took Noah with us to Vietnam when he was 13 months to adopt Zoe when she was 3 months. We were exhausted when we got home, but we were so happy we did it. That said, I think Noah would have been fine if he had stayed with my parents. Just do what YOU think is best, and know that it will be fine either way.
I don’t know if I have anything to offer that hasn’t been already said but I do believe that it’s a tough decision and yet, there is no right or wrong – just look at your own pro/con list and you can see that well enough.
We took our 3 1/2 year old daughter (adopted from China) when we went to Vietnam to adopt her brother. She’s an easy-going kid who travels well but once we got to Vietnam, I will say, it was a difficult trip. She has some attachment issues and is not a people person. She had a tough time with people touching her and talking to her. She also had some pretty big jealousy issues and because she is overly attached to me, I rarely got an opportunity to hold our son. By the end of the trip it was really getting to be too much for her to handle and the stress of everything (crabby husband, crabby toddler, new baby with feeding issues, Vietnam program falling apart around us) made a fairly big impact on my ability to bond with our son. I loved every second of our trip to China to adopt our daughter. I loved every minute of our first days with her. For a long time after we returned from Vietnam I was afraid I would never be able to tell our son about our journey without reliving the difficulty of it all. There seemed to be an unfairness in it for him.
That said, I am so glad we took our daughter. Despite the overwhelming moments for her, she loved the trip and talked about it for months. Her proud smile in the photos of our G&R ceremony make me proud. Her visit to his orphanage has given her a frame of reference for her own beginning. We have so many memories and even though some are rough, they are our family memories and looking back, I can’t regret that. I no longer think it was unfair for our son because he has his own relationship with his big sister and when he looks at the photos from Vietnam he sees his sister right there with him. The equity works itself out.
So yes, it was tough. I was a little rough on both kids and on both parents. But I wouldn’t do a thing different.
I really think that if you can handle it, you should take him. He needs to be a part of that moment, even if he doesn’t understand it.