The Great Debate – Trans-Continental Travel with a Toddler?

Okay, I may have been a bit delusional optimistic when I said that I was taking Oscar to Ethiopia to meet Baby Etta.  I am in the midst of quite the internal struggle on this, so I thought I’d see if any of you have some thoughts on the subject.

Here’s the situation.  Oscar and I have had some attachment difficulties, although we’re in a good spot right now.  He’s even learning to separate from me more easily than he has in the past.  While I’ve never had to leave him overnight to travel for work, I have had to work overnight, which is the same thing to him.  He does fine with it, although he is understandably a little more clingy when I return.  I haven’t left him for more than one night, though.

I obviously have two alternatives – take him to Ethiopia or leave him at home.  Escort is a third, but that’s not for me.  If he goes with me, I’ll take my mom as well.  If he stays at home, he’ll be there with Nanny Norma and both of my parents (whom he adores). 

Taking Oscar to Ethiopia:

Pros:

• Oscar will be there when our family is “created”;
• Oscar will get to see Etta’s homeland (although this will really mean that he’ll see the Addis Ababa airport twice, a guest house, an orphanage (which actually worries me) and a care center and maybe Sidama);
• Oscar and I will not be separated;
• We would avoid the situation where I return from a one-week long absence to a stressed out Oscar, who sees me holding another child, and that child does not go away;
• We might be able to visit Etta’s birth family;
• People say that newly adopted children transition more easily when other children are present;
• I will not be freaking out constantly worrying about Oscar;
• Since my official maternity leave won’t start until later in the year, traveling together would give us more time to bond before I have to return from “vacation” and get back to the office;
• I like being around Oscar, traveling with him and my mom could be fun; and
• Depending on our route, we could possibly tack on a couple of days in Rome or Cairo or even just looking around Ethiopia (you know I love a good vacation, even if it’s brief).

Cons:

• 17 hours in a plane with a non-verbal toddler;
• jet-lag after a trans-continental trip with a toddler (for all three of us – on both legs of the trip);
• I would be obsessed about keeping Oscar healthy en route and in country (mostly worried that he was going to get water in his mouth while bathing) and I’d likely freak about whether my mom would stay healthy, too;
• Oscar is hitting that picky toddler stage when he’s really tough to feed – he’s only eating fruit and cookies right now, which could be extremely difficult (but really, there’s always mac and cheese in a box that I could take with us; he’ll eat when he’s really hungry, right?);
• My dad would have to stay home, since traveling for 30+ hours is not a possibility, and that would suck for him and my mom;
• My mom would be constantly worrying about my dad; and
• $4000, give or take, in additional airfare, etc.  That would pay for a lot of speech therapy.

Traveling alone, with Oscar at home with Norma, Grandma and Grandpa:

Pros:

• I would have a few days alone with Etta and an opportunity to get to know her, focused solely on her;
• I would avoid all of the “cons” listed above;
• I could theoretically travel to see Etta’s birth family (if possible);
• Oscar’s routine remains unaltered, with the bonus of having Grandma and Grandpa at his house, taking him to the zoo, beach, etc. during the week, with the added bonus that apparently Grandma remembers how to bake when she’s around her grandson, so there would be fresh chocolate chip cookies;
• I would be able to take Ambien both on the way to Ethiopia (arriving somewhat rested, since I’ll take Emirates and stay overnight in Dubai) and again when I return home (since I’d ask my parents to help with the kids the first two nights back – NOTE to my parents – I did not do this with Oscar, but I will be doing it with Etta; just a heads up if we go this route), so I think this is the clear winner if I’m focused only on jet lag (which I’m not – but four people suffering from jet lag instead of two is obviously a worse thing); and
• Who is to say that our family is “created” when I meet Etta and not when I take her to meet her brother?

Cons:

• I would want to make the trip as brief as possible, which could result in my not getting to see Etta’s birth family;
• From my perspective, a week without Oscar;
• From Oscar’s perspective, an eternity without mom, followed by her return with a baby who always wants to be in her arms – oh, and mom is really cranky;
• Our attachment journey has already been rocky; adding a child is going to hit it hard – doing that after a week’s absence could be very detrimental;
• This is the tougher option for Nanny Norma, since there will only be ~10 days between Oscar meeting Etta and my returning to work, instead of 16; and
• I really dislike the idea of not taking Oscar with me to meet his sister; I feel like this might be a mistake, although I can’t explain why.

Thoughts?

March 1, 2010 Posted by Oscar and Etta's mom | Adoption, attachment, Ethiopia, Etta, Oscar, Our family, travel | 16 Comments