Finding the Joy – 1
I literally cringed when I just typed those words.
I am Scandinavian-American. Scandinavians are known for being reserved and generally not showing their emotions in public. In that respect, no matter how much I dislike cultural generalizations, I am stereotypically Scandinavian. I mean, it’s not that I don’t feel emotions, it’s just that I don’t share them widely very often. And, if I do express emotion publicly, it’s more likely to be a negative one, like frustration, than a happy one, like (dare I say) joy.
So, why did I type that somewhat uncomfortable word? Remember how I said I was going to work on being a better photographer? Well, step one on that quest was signing up for an online mini-class called The Joy of Love (cringing again) given by this awesome photographer named Kelly Willette. Actually, step one was finding my camera manual and figuring out what those letters and pictures on that dial on my camera meant. Step two was signing up for this class. It’s running throughout the month of February; there’s still plenty of time for those of you who aren’t emotionally stunted to get in. Just click here. Don’t worry, it’s free.
Our first project was to document one our loved ones in “what they do”. So, I give you Oscar doing what he loves . . . watching a cartoon on my phone’s Netflix app, just as he does every night, with one of his prized possessions within reach. No pressure to make words come out of his mouth, no pesky sister running around him, no dog trying to steal his food and Wallace & Gromit before him to entertain. His version of heaven.
I’m not sure that I’ll be posting photos here every single day (it’s best that I don’t make promises I likely would not keep), but I will be participating in the program each day throughout the month. Who knows, maybe my hope to be a better photographer will help me break through my frozen Nordic shell.
I think this is the first time in my adult life when I haven’t been waiting for something or working toward some sort of life goal. Since my divorce a billion and a half years ago, I’ve either been working towards my advanced degrees or at advancing myself professionally so I would never again be in the position of having absolutely no money whatsoever (like when I had to ask my parents for money to pay for a divorce lawyer) or waiting for a referral, a court date, a visa approval or a travel date to go get my children so my life could begin.
I think I’m at that point where I’m supposed to just live my life. I mean, sure, there’s going to be a job change in the future (this year or next, depending on how long I can stomach this), but right now, our life is sort of ours. Because I’m not obsessing over work anymore (well, not as much as before), I’ve found that I now possess this thing called “free time.”
Have you heard of it?
It’s kind of fun. It’s this time in the day when you’re not at work, on your blackberry, phone or VPN or thinking about what needs to happen on whatever project you’re toiling away on in the office. The time is, in fact, “free.” Yours to do with as you will. Amazing concept really.
Most of this time is going to the kids, of course, which is its best use for all of us. But, there’s a surprising amount of it left over after they go to sleep. And I type this even taking into consideration the fact that Oscar has discovered this “free time” change and revised his sleep schedule accordingly. Nevertheless, even after Oscar’s bonus “mommy time,” I’ve found that I now have time in the evenings to do something that is not work related. I know, it’s shocking, but it’s true.
My problem, though, is that I’m not sure what to do with it. Pathetic, isn’t it? It is, but it’s true. Over the years, I’ve pretty much had to abandon any hobby or interest I had outside of work because, well, work precluded any hobbies whatsoever other than travel once a year to escape work. However, travel is (1) not terribly easy with two toddlers, (2) not something one can do every day and (3) insanely expensive.
I should also note that my “free time” has to be spent in bed. I know I haven’t written about this in a while, but Oscar and I are still co-sleeping. Yes, still. Yes, just shy of three years since our G&R ceremony. Yes, every night. Yes, the underlying root of this is one of the reasons my three-year old has a shrink.
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to try to be a better photographer. I’m going to try to learn what all of the buttons on my fancy camera mean and I’m trying to learn how to take pictures not using the automatic setting on my camera. This, so far, has been an absolute disaster, but I’m going to keep trying.
In the interim (assuming there is a point at which I become a decent photographer), I’m betting there will be fewer photos on this blog. I’ve always known that my “photography” has been amateurish at best, but now that I’ve spent time online looking at sites of other moms who take photos, ugh, it’s come home. It can only get better, right?
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