Transparency
There’s something about this adoption that is different from when I adopted Oscar. My agency tells PAPs what number they are on the wait list(s). They also disclose all referrals, so PAPs continue to know exactly where they are in the process. This is far from how things happened when I adopted Oscar. Don’t get me wrong – that process worked and I got the perfect child. I also got very frustrated as I watched dozens of people who had their dossiers logged in far after mine receive referrals months before I did (and not because they were willing to take older kids, etc.).
My VN agency clearly did not process referrals in the order dossiers were logged in; it was more subjective than that. I like knowing where I stand, but part of me feels concerned that there’s no “human” element here, matching children to their new parents. I imagine that sounds silly; of course, there’s no way that the person who matched my file to Oscar’s really did so based on any special information she had. It was just as random as this list. I guess part of me wants to believe in an “adoption fairy” or something. Having said that, I am absolutely certain that I am going to be thankful for this transparency when I get higher up the list and that whatever child joins our family will be just right for us, too.
So, what’s my number?
REALLY Happy
He spoke! Oscar said a word, completely unprompted. We were in the kitchen and the oven was on. He walked by it and I looked down at him while he was signing “hot,” and all of a sudden he said “hot. . . hot” out loud. Clear as day – just like he says it all of the time or something. I got all excited and he started clapping for himself. If he only knew.
I doubt this is one of those breakthrough moments where everything is going to turn and we’ll find out that he actually has a vocabulary of 50 words that were dying to break through. I don’t care, though. I’m happy just knowing that he can actually think of words on his own and get them out. Or, at least one of them.
Happy
Don’t you love a good dossier? I didn’t even mind putting this one together (and did I mention I had it assembled, complete with notarization and state certification, within 24 hours? you could say that experience has paid off). With Oscar, I was so green I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, so I just collected my documents, stumbled through the certification process and sent them off. I’m sad that I didn’t even take a picture of my stash of documents.
Last summer I found myself annoyed at the level of involvement of third parties in my attempt at adding to our family. What do you mean I need a notarized letter from my bank that I am financially secure enough to adopt? This time, though, I was just thankful that people were willing to be involved in this. And incredibly thankful for all of the little things that people have done to assist me. Like the lady in Texas who got me my criminal clearance letter in an afternoon (instead of the month it usually takes), the deputies at the SF sheriff’s headquarters who let me into the building on a holiday so I could track down the nice officer who was working and told me she would do my local clearance for me since it was for an adoption, the nice parking attendant guy who didn’t charge me $28 for the half hour I spent getting my clearance, the guy at my bank who actually came to my office to sign my bank letter so we could use my notary and not theirs and save the cash for authenticating two signatures ($50!), the guy taking my photo who took a number of shots since he wanted to make sure he got a great one so the people looking at my picture would give me a cute baby (not sure this is how it works, but I appreciated the sentiment!) and each and every person who wrote me a letter of recommendation, other clearance letter or home study update (all of which had to be notarized and were all accomplished in a day). Oh, and the lady at the Secretary of State’s office who certified my documents while I waited and didn’t make me come back – bless you nice lady.
I think sometimes those of us who have adopted have mixed feelings about the process. Especially if we have been touched in some way by corruption (either by the reality of it in our adoption (not my case I believe) or the allegations of it that taint us all). It’s hard sometimes to see the forest for the trees on this. But when I told everyone why I needed these documents, I was reminded of my own enthusiasm for adoption through seeing their reactions. I’ve let myself become somewhat cynical about adoption and that is a shame. While I abhor the fact that there is a need for adoption, adoptions themselves should be a great thing.
The thing I love about the dossier process is that the PAP actually plays a part in it. It’s the one thing you control. The moment you send it in, though, you relinquish almost total control over the process. Here’s hoping the rest of it goes a tiny bit as soothly as the dossier process…
Six
The number of heart attacks my father has had. The most recent was on Sunday. He’s out of the hospital, but, seriously, six? It’s a miracle he’s alive. I guess I’ll leave it at that.
Troubling News
Two things I learned today. 1 – Oscar’s latest developmental tests put him at a 12-14 month range for expressive communication and 2 – Oscar can unbuckle any car seat – EVEN his five-point harness that is so tight I have difficulty undoing it. Which of these do you think bothers me?
For those who think this is a trick and both bother me, you’re wrong. I know we have a communication problem. We’re working on it and we’re going to even start speech therapy soon (finally found an opening). Thankfully, Oscar scored very well on the other aspects of the tests, including the cognitive ones, which means that whatever is going on in his brain is not impacting anything other than his speech (at least for the time being). Sorry, little guy, specialists have now confirmed that you understand what’s going on. I’m on to you. We’re even having more tests at the end of the month to confirm that these specialists know what they’re talking about.
This car seat problem, however, is HUGE. Really not happy about this. I’ve tried flipping the harness around, so he has to undo it upside down, if you know what I mean. He can easily do it. I’ve put him in a toddler seat, using the seat belt. Oddly, that one takes longer for him to undo, but he clicks out of it, too. I’m scrambling around baby stores to see if there is such a thing as an extra lock for a car seat. If I can’t find one I’m going to have to duct tape him into a seat. I don’t think that will go over well. For the time being, though, guess who’s not driving with the convertible top down?
C’mon
How happy does this toilet make you? Oscar loves this thing so much that he hugged it when I brought it into the bathroom while he was taking a bath. He climbed out of the tub (yes, he can do that on his own – can you imagine how happy this makes me?) and spent forever playing with it. So long that he ended up peeing on the floor, and not in the potty.
We’re going to spend some time getting used to this new addition, and reading our new books, before we embark on this new project. When I read the books to Oscar the other day he had a strange expression on his face, like, I know she’s up to something, and I’m sure I’m not into it.
Personally, I’m not in a huge rush with this potty training thing. Everyone tells me, though, that having two in diapers is a “nightmare.” Not sure whether that’s true, but I’ll give it a go.
Literary Baby
Oscar went to his first literary event tonight. My so fabulous social worker, naturally, has brilliant children. One of them is a big deal author with a new book out getting some great reviews. Oscar and I attended a reading this evening. He was pretty well behaved, but we did have to duck out for a few moments to prevent a fairly major disruption. After the reading, though, Oscar held court. It’s amazing how well he does in crowds now. He walked around, getting right up in front of a number of people to get them to talk with him (or at least “to” him). He truly is loving being the center of attention, which is good, given all the attention he gets wherever we go. He even got an autographed book for his growing library. This one, though, will have to be saved until even after the Harry Potter tomes.
Be a part of history
I would like to buy this t-shirt for Oscar (or Baby Etta), but there’s really no point. Given that neither of them were born on American soil, they’ll never have the right to be considered for President under current law.
While I was stuck in Viet Nam, I met a brilliant woman named McLane Layton, a former Congressional staffer and adoptive mother, who has worked tirelessly to advocate for the rights of adopted children. She is yet again attempting to gain certain basic rights for our children, including treating all adopted children of American citizens the same as a bio child of a citizen born outside of the U.S., a fundamentally fair concept and one whose time has come. I am sending the following letter to my Senators and I encourage you to consider doing the same (feel free to use any part of this you’d like in an attempt to obtain the same rights for our kids as any other American child enjoys).
Dear Senator,
I am the mother of a two-year-old boy named Oscar who I adopted from Viet Nam last year as an infant. I am currently in the process of adopting a sister for him from Ethiopia. I am writing to urge you to advocate for and support the FACE Act (S. 1359 Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act), which was introduced in the Senate in June.
When I adopted Oscar from Viet Nam, I was able to travel to meet him before his adoption was finalized by the Vietnamese ministry. This allowed me to bring him home to the United States on an IR3 visa. He became a U.S. citizen the second our plane touched down in San Francisco. Since then, I have spent months finalizing additional paperwork in the U.S. to finalize the adoption in California state court, complete a name change, and apply for a domestic birth certificate, social security number and a U.S. passport.
This time, adopting from Ethiopia, my daughter will travel home on an IR4 visa. Despite the fact that this adoption journey will likely take years to complete, it will be far from over when our plane touches down in the United States. Without automatic citizenship, I will be forced to apply for visas for her to travel to and from the U.S. I will also be unable to file my taxes (including applying for the federal adoption tax credit) until I have secured a social security number for my daughter. The adoption won’t be able to be finalized until I have had multiple post-placement home visits.
The FACE Act also guarantees internationally adopted children the same benefits all children born to Americans in this country receive. Electing Barack Obama to our nation’s highest office this past November was a seminal moment in our lives – particularly because our children will grow up assuming that anyone, of any ethnicity, can be president. However, no matter how hard my son and daughter work in school and how much they accomplish in life, neither will be able to aspire to be president of the United States. President Obama’s story is a story of the American dream realized. Please give that same American dream to each and every child who is adopted internationally by American parents.
Hint 3 and the rest . . .
Okay, the photo in Hint 3 is allegedly of an Ethiopian coptic cross. I say “allegedly” because while the great people at Etsy have exquisite handmade wares, I’m not so sure about their ability to identify artifacts of a religious nature. Regardless, the significance of the photo is the Ethiopian connection. Why? Because I’m adopting from Ethiopia, of course.
Yes, I know that this is where I started last year. In fact, it’s where I started over two years ago even before I knew of adoptions in Viet Nam. For whatever reason, I have been drawn to this country and yet have been too frightened to really commit to adopting from there. The rumors that Ethiopia will close to singles have been kicking around for longer than I have been actively pursuing an adoption. In the past year it has limited adoptions to singles, with agencies receiving a quota. When that originally occurred, some agencies were telling singles that there was a good chance that their adoptions would never occur. When I heard this, I said no way. No way am I going to get invested in this process and have to walk away – especially if it’s after I’ve received a referral. But there were no promises to be made here. Sending countries have every right to place whatever restrictions they like. We don’t have to agree with them, but we do have to abide by them. Given my risk-averse nature, I followed my head and not my heart out of that program and into a new program just getting back up and running after a complete overhaul.
I’m sure some adopting from Nepal will assume I’m leaving that program because of how “slow” some people consider the process or the political instability. I actually never thought Nepal was going to be a quick process. I talked with a small number of agencies that said that the first families would be home by May of this year. I never believed them. I always thought that if I got my dossier in by February perhaps I would have a referral by next spring and a child home by fall. So, I did not switch because of perceived delays. I switched because there is a good chance that I can adopt a child from the country that was my first choice. When I saw the photos of the families who came home from Ethiopia recently, my gut-clenching realization was not that I should have continued on in the process last year so I could have a child home like they did. It was simply that I was looking at photos of girls who looked like I’ve been imagining my daughter would look like.
There are some additional reasons that I could share, but it appears there is a “journalist” trolling the blogs of families adopting from Nepal and using material on those blogs for stories. Makes me yet again reconsider going private.
So, there you have it. I went and got my police letter today, which was my last third party document I still needed for my dossier. I was almost euphoric when they gave it to me, feeling the same sort of excitement I felt when I was completing Oscar’s dossier. I think many of us who have already been through a difficult adoption process may be prone to having our hopes and optimism tempered (or crushed) by all we have experienced and learned. I’m just happy that that hasn’t diminished my excitement yet. It’s going to be a very long time before I get a referral, so I’m going to sit back and enjoy my time as a family of two for the time being.
