Introducing Etta – We passed court!!!
Turns out my dad’s birthday was lucky for us after all. It’s been a bittersweet morning, though, since the friend I really wanted to travel with did not get the same good news as I did. Hoping she gets the good word very quickly.
One
Do you think there’s a doctor around here who would put me on a Valium drip from now until about noon on Wednesday? PPO, not HMO. Does that help?
Three
Three days should seem like they’ll fly by in an instant. Right now, though, the next three days seem like they’re going to take an eternity to pass.
I’ve decided not to focus on the embassy news for the time being. A court date seems like enough to freak out about right now. Plenty of time to worry about that after passing court . . . which I really would like to be Wednesday. Not that I have any say in the matter, of course.
Five
I thought I was going to escape that whole getting anxious about court thing. I seem to have been mistaken about that. Not freaking out or anything, but definitely getting a little edgy about the prospect of our case being heard on Wednesday. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t expect to pass on the first attempt. I’d love to, but I’m not counting on it. It’s even possible that our case won’t be heard. That it will be rescheduled. Even if it occurs, there’s no guarantee of success. Etta’s birth family must attend and a letter from the ministry must be present. Lots of variables and each of them is out of my control. All I can do is count down the days and post a little picture of a number.
Thank you
You all are so wonderful, thank you for all of the thoughts you’ve shared both here and via email about my travel dilemma. I have not made a decision yet, but have sort of figured out that there’s no clear winner on this issue. If I don’t take Oscar, I will wish I had, and if I do, there will certainly be portions of the trip when I wish I had left him home in his familiar surroundings. I really appreciate hearing from all of you, including those of you who have taken your little ones and would not necessarily recommend doing so. I’ve only really read of families who say that they’ve taken their toddlers and look back and wonder why they were so worried about it. I’m happy I don’t have to make a decision today at least, and I’ll get the benefit of watching a few other families go before me, both with (Debbie!) and without their children. Speaking of the latter, please wish J well – she leaves tomorrow for Ethiopia to bring her beautiful daughter home. She’s one of those private bloggers, so I can’t direct you to her myself.
Tomorrow’s a big day – down to a week away from court, J leaves for Ethiopia AND . . . something else equally important is happening.
The Great Debate – Trans-Continental Travel with a Toddler?
Okay, I may have been a bit delusional optimistic when I said that I was taking Oscar to Ethiopia to meet Baby Etta. I am in the midst of quite the internal struggle on this, so I thought I’d see if any of you have some thoughts on the subject.
Here’s the situation. Oscar and I have had some attachment difficulties, although we’re in a good spot right now. He’s even learning to separate from me more easily than he has in the past. While I’ve never had to leave him overnight to travel for work, I have had to work overnight, which is the same thing to him. He does fine with it, although he is understandably a little more clingy when I return. I haven’t left him for more than one night, though.
I obviously have two alternatives – take him to Ethiopia or leave him at home. Escort is a third, but that’s not for me. If he goes with me, I’ll take my mom as well. If he stays at home, he’ll be there with Nanny Norma and both of my parents (whom he adores).
Taking Oscar to Ethiopia:
Pros:
- Oscar will be there when our family is “created”;
- Oscar will get to see Etta’s homeland (although this will really mean that he’ll see the Addis Ababa airport twice, a guest house, an orphanage (which actually worries me) and a care center and maybe Sidama);
- Oscar and I will not be separated;
- We would avoid the situation where I return from a one-week long absence to a stressed out Oscar, who sees me holding another child, and that child does not go away;
- We might be able to visit Etta’s birth family;
- People say that newly adopted children transition more easily when other children are present;
- I will not be freaking out constantly worrying about Oscar;
- Since my official maternity leave won’t start until later in the year, traveling together would give us more time to bond before I have to return from “vacation” and get back to the office;
- I like being around Oscar, traveling with him and my mom could be fun; and
- Depending on our route, we could possibly tack on a couple of days in Rome or Cairo or even just looking around Ethiopia (you know I love a good vacation, even if it’s brief).
Cons:
- 17 hours in a plane with a non-verbal toddler;
- jet-lag after a trans-continental trip with a toddler (for all three of us – on both legs of the trip);
- I would be obsessed about keeping Oscar healthy en route and in country (mostly worried that he was going to get water in his mouth while bathing) and I’d likely freak about whether my mom would stay healthy, too;
- Oscar is hitting that picky toddler stage when he’s really tough to feed – he’s only eating fruit and cookies right now, which could be extremely difficult (but really, there’s always mac and cheese in a box that I could take with us; he’ll eat when he’s really hungry, right?);
- My dad would have to stay home, since traveling for 30+ hours is not a possibility, and that would suck for him and my mom;
- My mom would be constantly worrying about my dad; and
- $4000, give or take, in additional airfare, etc. That would pay for a lot of speech therapy.
Traveling alone, with Oscar at home with Norma, Grandma and Grandpa:
Pros:
- I would have a few days alone with Etta and an opportunity to get to know her, focused solely on her;
- I would avoid all of the “cons” listed above;
- I could theoretically travel to see Etta’s birth family (if possible);
- Oscar’s routine remains unaltered, with the bonus of having Grandma and Grandpa at his house, taking him to the zoo, beach, etc. during the week, with the added bonus that apparently Grandma remembers how to bake when she’s around her grandson, so there would be fresh chocolate chip cookies;
- I would be able to take Ambien both on the way to Ethiopia (arriving somewhat rested, since I’ll take Emirates and stay overnight in Dubai) and again when I return home (since I’d ask my parents to help with the kids the first two nights back – NOTE to my parents – I did not do this with Oscar, but I will be doing it with Etta; just a heads up if we go this route), so I think this is the clear winner if I’m focused only on jet lag (which I’m not – but four people suffering from jet lag instead of two is obviously a worse thing); and
- Who is to say that our family is “created” when I meet Etta and not when I take her to meet her brother?
Cons:
- I would want to make the trip as brief as possible, which could result in my not getting to see Etta’s birth family;
- From my perspective, a week without Oscar;
- From Oscar’s perspective, an eternity without mom, followed by her return with a baby who always wants to be in her arms – oh, and mom is really cranky;
- Our attachment journey has already been rocky; adding a child is going to hit it hard – doing that after a week’s absence could be very detrimental;
- This is the tougher option for Nanny Norma, since there will only be ~10 days between Oscar meeting Etta and my returning to work, instead of 16; and
- I really dislike the idea of not taking Oscar with me to meet his sister; I feel like this might be a mistake, although I can’t explain why.
Thoughts?
Selfish Shopping
I’ll admit, the surprise court date kicked my nesting instinct into gear. I’ve been making purchases for Etta since last summer, thanks to online clearance sales and going out of business sales (check out Ginger and Scallion, not a whole lot left, but Etta just raked it in at 50% off, free shipping and no tax, and I got a new hotsling for $25). Seems like I really had imagined that she would be far older – like a two-year old. Almost all of the clothes I had purchased for her were meant for an 18 month old at least. There are some really great coats in Size 3, even. Obviously I needed to stock up on some appropriately sized clothes.
In addition to Etta’s amazing wardrobe (really, it’s something else; she’s going to be looking great until about age 3, when I file for bankruptcy; I wish I had some of these things in my closet, honestly), I’ve been making some major purchases for Oscar. Lots of workbooks and activity books and all kinds of educational materials geared towards increasing his cognition (we’re working on letters, colors and shapes currently) and many a toy or piece of equipment to enhance his “sensory diet” (that’s sensory processing talk). We have a mini trampoline on our way that I really hope will be helpful (at a minimum, it might save one of the beds), as well as a weighted blanket in a super-plush fabric that I hope will be as “magical” as people say, and some musical equipment, including egg shakers and, help me, a drum. Still working on finding some interesting objects with flashing or colored lights that are appropriate for a two-year old, so any leads would be appreciated. I ran across this odd rubber whomping worm thing with a light that flashes when hit that’s a good start, but we need more. Oscar is “sensory seeking”, so the thought with all of this is that if his day is filled with a variety of sensations, his life will be easier for him. He won’t get as wound up, he won’t (literally) bounce around as much and his mind will settle a little, helping him focus a bit better. I’m tempted to keep these all as gifts for him when Etta comes home, at least the trampoline and drum, but just don’t know.
So, I’ve done that, but that is not the shopping that has me perplexed. Today we made a run to Target, and I came home with new bedding. You’re saying, “so what”, right? Okay, I’ll explain, but first – whoever came up with the idea to have a children’s story time at Target on Saturday morning, complete with gift bags (with goldfish crackers, juice and candy!) and balloons, is a genius. Seriously, I love you and will shop at your store many more times.
Back to the shopping. I walked out of the store today basically with a new bed. From mattress pad to shams and everything in between. But none of this was for Etta or even for Oscar, who theoretically at least will be bed-less when his sister arrives, since she’s taking the crib he’s never used. It was for me. Isn’t the nesting instinct supposed to be for the child you’re bringing into your family? Not yourself? I’ll even add that I didn’t stop at the bedding. I added a dvd player for my room (albeit the very cheapest one), and when we got home, I went downstairs, absconded with the unused television next to my unplugged treadmill and redid my bedroom. Since we’re believers in the Family Bed practice round here, perhaps I can tell myself that this wasn’t entirely self-interested? That Oscar will sleep easier on the new sheets and under the really soft new comforter? And we’ll all be happier now that I can entertain Oscar with some movies in the morning while I attempt to gain precious minutes of additional sleep?
The reality is that I think I was getting embarrassed by my bedding. Or, the lack of bedding. We’ve been cobbling together whatever blanket and sheets I can find a couple times a week and I really haven’t liked it. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had “bedding” since I lived in Dallas (um, 4 years ago). I was sort of living like a guy (in fact there was a little hole in one of the sheets I disposed of today, I cringingly admit). Now we have a pretty bed (well, the bed was always awesome, we now have pretty linens) and a little 26″ LCD tv in the bedroom. See, not living like a guy anymore. What guy would own a 26″ tv?
I’ve decided I’m going old-school with Etta’s bedding situation. I’m re-converting the crib from a toddler bed into a crib and putting her next to my bed. From what I can tell, the kids at our agency’s care center sleep in cribs, so as much as I love the co-sleeping for attachment purposes, I think I might be better off in the long run if I keep her in a crib. We’ll see how that goes. Oscar’s room apparently will officially be a playroom when we move the crib. Extra room for toys, ugh.
Single digits tomorrow!!!
The suckitude of the past two weeks Part I
I suppose it wasn’t a nervous breakdown, but my referral certainly set off a chain of events (or perhaps was simply the first in a chain of events) that had me shutting down many things that were not mandatory for me to do. Like, you know, blogging and wearing makeup and stuff like that.
I received Etta’s referral and was thrilled, but along with the excitement came all of those emotions that I felt when I received Oscar’s referral. The whole “this is my child (?)” thing. Ugh. It was bad enough the first time I went through this (the questioning, not the adopting). I was really doing it again? So, I spent days poring over Etta’s pictures (the very few good ones all thanks to one really awesome mom who just picked up her son) wondering about her. What she really looked like, how old she really was, will she hate me, does she laugh or smile, how big she was . . . was she meant to be part of our family. Whoa. What?
As many of you know, I am not a “meant to be” person. I reject determinism (basically the belief that every event is causally determined – in fact, a lot of you probably do, too; if you believe that things are pre-determined to happen, ask yourself whether you should blame people when they do something “bad” or wrong; is it right to punish someone when their actions were pre-determined? or do you ultimately believe that they had some part in their actions? - sorry, the philosophy lecture is now over). So, why was I obsessing over whether this tiny little girl was fated to be my daughter?
I have some thoughts on the why’s, but ultimately, that doesn’t matter. I think it’s appropriate to freak out a little when you’re matched with a child. It’s natural to wonder whether this little person, a complete and total stranger, would want to be a part of your family. Whether the whole mother-child bond will happen. How the addition of another child will impact the child you have at home. Whether you’ll be able to make it all work out.
Sadly, that’s not what I was worrying about with Etta. I was not thinking about whether that bond would happen or, more appropriately, when it would happen. Ultimately it dawned on me that I was engaging in exactly the behavior that I found confusing in others. Wondering whether she was “the one.” When I realized what I was doing, I looked back at what initially motivated me to adopt. That had nothing to do with finding the “right” child. The child who was meant to be with me. I was motivated by wanting to have a family and wanting to build that family through adopting a child who simply needed a family.
When I figured this out, everything went back to normal, to the extent that can exist during an adoption process. It does not matter whether Etta was divinely or mystically fated to be in our family. It just matters that she is part of it and that I know I’ll do whatever is needed to make sure our family works. . . at least until the kids are teenagers. At that point, all bets are off.
And so it begins
The countdown, that is.
I spent the day yesterday in a haze. I honestly had difficulty believing that the morning’s news was real. But, it was, and it just kept getting better. Five waiting families with my agency received the same court date yesterday. Even better? One of them is a friend of mine (another single mom adopting her first child, a precious baby boy). I don’t want to get my hopes up that we’ll pass on our first attempts and then be able to travel together! Well, I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I sort of already have. Another cool thing? Another friend will be in Addis Ababa at her visa appointment while we’re at court. Maybe she could pop by to make sure my letter gets there and everything’s in order? Well, maybe not, what with her adopting a five-year old girl of her own and all. I guess she’ll have her hands full, huh.
So, what happens next? I wait twelve more days for my court date. C’mon – 12 mere days. There is a very good chance that we won’t pass on our first attempt. A lot goes into getting through court, so I’m not counting on passing. Of course, I’d love to (obviously, and for reasons I’ll explain later), but I’m not counting on it. Even if I don’t pass on my first attempt, I’m still ahead in my book. I always thought I’d have at least two court dates, so even if I do, I’m ok with the timing, given my ridiculously fortunate timeline for getting my first court date.
Why would it be great if we passed court on the 10th? March 10th is my dad’s birthday. I would love it if Etta joined our family that day. Oscar was born on my maternal grandmother’s birthday, so it would be lovely if Etta’s first day as an official member of this family had a similar link. The 10th is also very important to me in that it is the anniversary of the day on which I was divorced. Ah, sweet memories. But that’s a completely different story perhaps for another time.
Court Date?
You know how to kill one of those “do one post per day” projects? Get a referral. Clearly there’s been a lot going on around here in the past 17 days. I’ll get around to telling you about some of it soon, but there’s one thing I thought I would mention. You know how I told a lot of you IRL that my next step was to get a court date? And that court would be sometime in April maybe? I was wrong. So wrong.
After a record-breaking wait to get my referral, I got a court date this morning! On March 10th (13 short days from now) our case should be heard and Etta might be officially part of our family. Holy *$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
