The Great Debate – Trans-Continental Travel with a Toddler?
Okay, I may have been a bit delusional optimistic when I said that I was taking Oscar to Ethiopia to meet Baby Etta. I am in the midst of quite the internal struggle on this, so I thought I’d see if any of you have some thoughts on the subject.
Here’s the situation. Oscar and I have had some attachment difficulties, although we’re in a good spot right now. He’s even learning to separate from me more easily than he has in the past. While I’ve never had to leave him overnight to travel for work, I have had to work overnight, which is the same thing to him. He does fine with it, although he is understandably a little more clingy when I return. I haven’t left him for more than one night, though.
I obviously have two alternatives – take him to Ethiopia or leave him at home. Escort is a third, but that’s not for me. If he goes with me, I’ll take my mom as well. If he stays at home, he’ll be there with Nanny Norma and both of my parents (whom he adores).
Taking Oscar to Ethiopia:
Pros:
- Oscar will be there when our family is “created”;
- Oscar will get to see Etta’s homeland (although this will really mean that he’ll see the Addis Ababa airport twice, a guest house, an orphanage (which actually worries me) and a care center and maybe Sidama);
- Oscar and I will not be separated;
- We would avoid the situation where I return from a one-week long absence to a stressed out Oscar, who sees me holding another child, and that child does not go away;
- We might be able to visit Etta’s birth family;
- People say that newly adopted children transition more easily when other children are present;
- I will not be freaking out constantly worrying about Oscar;
- Since my official maternity leave won’t start until later in the year, traveling together would give us more time to bond before I have to return from “vacation” and get back to the office;
- I like being around Oscar, traveling with him and my mom could be fun; and
- Depending on our route, we could possibly tack on a couple of days in Rome or Cairo or even just looking around Ethiopia (you know I love a good vacation, even if it’s brief).
Cons:
- 17 hours in a plane with a non-verbal toddler;
- jet-lag after a trans-continental trip with a toddler (for all three of us – on both legs of the trip);
- I would be obsessed about keeping Oscar healthy en route and in country (mostly worried that he was going to get water in his mouth while bathing) and I’d likely freak about whether my mom would stay healthy, too;
- Oscar is hitting that picky toddler stage when he’s really tough to feed – he’s only eating fruit and cookies right now, which could be extremely difficult (but really, there’s always mac and cheese in a box that I could take with us; he’ll eat when he’s really hungry, right?);
- My dad would have to stay home, since traveling for 30+ hours is not a possibility, and that would suck for him and my mom;
- My mom would be constantly worrying about my dad; and
- $4000, give or take, in additional airfare, etc. That would pay for a lot of speech therapy.
Traveling alone, with Oscar at home with Norma, Grandma and Grandpa:
Pros:
- I would have a few days alone with Etta and an opportunity to get to know her, focused solely on her;
- I would avoid all of the “cons” listed above;
- I could theoretically travel to see Etta’s birth family (if possible);
- Oscar’s routine remains unaltered, with the bonus of having Grandma and Grandpa at his house, taking him to the zoo, beach, etc. during the week, with the added bonus that apparently Grandma remembers how to bake when she’s around her grandson, so there would be fresh chocolate chip cookies;
- I would be able to take Ambien both on the way to Ethiopia (arriving somewhat rested, since I’ll take Emirates and stay overnight in Dubai) and again when I return home (since I’d ask my parents to help with the kids the first two nights back – NOTE to my parents – I did not do this with Oscar, but I will be doing it with Etta; just a heads up if we go this route), so I think this is the clear winner if I’m focused only on jet lag (which I’m not – but four people suffering from jet lag instead of two is obviously a worse thing); and
- Who is to say that our family is “created” when I meet Etta and not when I take her to meet her brother?
Cons:
- I would want to make the trip as brief as possible, which could result in my not getting to see Etta’s birth family;
- From my perspective, a week without Oscar;
- From Oscar’s perspective, an eternity without mom, followed by her return with a baby who always wants to be in her arms – oh, and mom is really cranky;
- Our attachment journey has already been rocky; adding a child is going to hit it hard – doing that after a week’s absence could be very detrimental;
- This is the tougher option for Nanny Norma, since there will only be ~10 days between Oscar meeting Etta and my returning to work, instead of 16; and
- I really dislike the idea of not taking Oscar with me to meet his sister; I feel like this might be a mistake, although I can’t explain why.
Thoughts?
Selfish Shopping
I’ll admit, the surprise court date kicked my nesting instinct into gear. I’ve been making purchases for Etta since last summer, thanks to online clearance sales and going out of business sales (check out Ginger and Scallion, not a whole lot left, but Etta just raked it in at 50% off, free shipping and no tax, and I got a new hotsling for $25). Seems like I really had imagined that she would be far older – like a two-year old. Almost all of the clothes I had purchased for her were meant for an 18 month old at least. There are some really great coats in Size 3, even. Obviously I needed to stock up on some appropriately sized clothes.
In addition to Etta’s amazing wardrobe (really, it’s something else; she’s going to be looking great until about age 3, when I file for bankruptcy; I wish I had some of these things in my closet, honestly), I’ve been making some major purchases for Oscar. Lots of workbooks and activity books and all kinds of educational materials geared towards increasing his cognition (we’re working on letters, colors and shapes currently) and many a toy or piece of equipment to enhance his “sensory diet” (that’s sensory processing talk). We have a mini trampoline on our way that I really hope will be helpful (at a minimum, it might save one of the beds), as well as a weighted blanket in a super-plush fabric that I hope will be as “magical” as people say, and some musical equipment, including egg shakers and, help me, a drum. Still working on finding some interesting objects with flashing or colored lights that are appropriate for a two-year old, so any leads would be appreciated. I ran across this odd rubber whomping worm thing with a light that flashes when hit that’s a good start, but we need more. Oscar is “sensory seeking”, so the thought with all of this is that if his day is filled with a variety of sensations, his life will be easier for him. He won’t get as wound up, he won’t (literally) bounce around as much and his mind will settle a little, helping him focus a bit better. I’m tempted to keep these all as gifts for him when Etta comes home, at least the trampoline and drum, but just don’t know.
So, I’ve done that, but that is not the shopping that has me perplexed. Today we made a run to Target, and I came home with new bedding. You’re saying, “so what”, right? Okay, I’ll explain, but first – whoever came up with the idea to have a children’s story time at Target on Saturday morning, complete with gift bags (with goldfish crackers, juice and candy!) and balloons, is a genius. Seriously, I love you and will shop at your store many more times.
Back to the shopping. I walked out of the store today basically with a new bed. From mattress pad to shams and everything in between. But none of this was for Etta or even for Oscar, who theoretically at least will be bed-less when his sister arrives, since she’s taking the crib he’s never used. It was for me. Isn’t the nesting instinct supposed to be for the child you’re bringing into your family? Not yourself? I’ll even add that I didn’t stop at the bedding. I added a dvd player for my room (albeit the very cheapest one), and when we got home, I went downstairs, absconded with the unused television next to my unplugged treadmill and redid my bedroom. Since we’re believers in the Family Bed practice round here, perhaps I can tell myself that this wasn’t entirely self-interested? That Oscar will sleep easier on the new sheets and under the really soft new comforter? And we’ll all be happier now that I can entertain Oscar with some movies in the morning while I attempt to gain precious minutes of additional sleep?
The reality is that I think I was getting embarrassed by my bedding. Or, the lack of bedding. We’ve been cobbling together whatever blanket and sheets I can find a couple times a week and I really haven’t liked it. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had “bedding” since I lived in Dallas (um, 4 years ago). I was sort of living like a guy (in fact there was a little hole in one of the sheets I disposed of today, I cringingly admit). Now we have a pretty bed (well, the bed was always awesome, we now have pretty linens) and a little 26″ LCD tv in the bedroom. See, not living like a guy anymore. What guy would own a 26″ tv?
I’ve decided I’m going old-school with Etta’s bedding situation. I’m re-converting the crib from a toddler bed into a crib and putting her next to my bed. From what I can tell, the kids at our agency’s care center sleep in cribs, so as much as I love the co-sleeping for attachment purposes, I think I might be better off in the long run if I keep her in a crib. We’ll see how that goes. Oscar’s room apparently will officially be a playroom when we move the crib. Extra room for toys, ugh.
Single digits tomorrow!!!
Anyone know
when exactly it was that this child . . .
five months later:
Adoption day (and thank you, Sarah, for this photo, which I think perfectly captures the beginning of the relationship between Oscar and me):
last Halloween, when he could not be within 500 feet of other kids without screaming and when his sensory issues were still so severe he could not bear to touch even grass or sand (I mean, look at how he’s holding his arms so he doesn’t have to touch the straw) and who screamed so loudly when we would go out in public that I thought I had wasted money on our zoo membership:
turned into this happy child who actually likes to be around other kids (particularly “big” boys) and smiles frequently and snorts with laughter on a daily basis? this boy, by the way is a complete and total stranger:
Because, while it might have looked like all I posted for a considerable amount of time were pictures when I simply had not captured Oscar smiling, a non-smiling Oscar was the norm until about May of this year. I had come to terms with the fact that Oscar was not going to be one of those “happy” children. You know the type. You’ve seen them at the park - they laugh and giggle freely, breaking out spontaneously in toothy grins. Annoying, really. Nanny Norma and I talk about it a lot now. I hear the refrain of “Oscar different” from her at least weekly. “Not the same boy. . . Oscar happy now.” And it’s true. He isn’t the same as he was; he is a totally different little boy in so many ways. It might sound odd for a mom to say, but he used to be a little angry, constantly frustrated and quick to lash out, both physically and vocally. More troubling to me were his eyes. They were very pretty, but they seemed a bit closed off. Like he wasn’t really engaged with any of us or the world generally.
I’m not sure what changed and caused him to become this sweet, adorable, smiling toddler (prone to a lot of tantrums, but seemingly the normal variety), with tons of personality radiating from him. We have a lot of theories – time beginning to heal old wounds, increased attachment (on both of our parts), his vision improving (no proof of this other than the visible difference in his ptosis and nystagmus), the switch to soy milk, his increased ability to communicate via sign language and grunting or just the improvements in his health generally. Who knows. I’m just thankful that we’re where we are and not where we were, and honestly, a little frightened that we might have to go back there when Baby Etta joins us.
Baby steps
We made it to the Children’s Museum without a major breakdown today! It certainly didn’t seem to be one of Oscar’s favorite places in the world, but after a very rough start (attributable in part to my desire to use the stroller – I really should just donate that thing to the Salvation Army) he perked up and actually played. There were a couple of points in our almost 90 minute adventure when he smiled. Not at any other kids or parents, but he did grin at me after he had played independently for probably 3-4 minutes AND he reached out and touched his friend B.T.’s arm. Not bad in my book. I think we might possibly add onto this success with another (short) trip to the zoo next week. I don’t want to seem too cocky, but I think we might be up for it.
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Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
