Disappointment
I could regale you with yet another post of yet another trip to the zoo (and this one included not one, but TWO, beautiful little two-year old girls from Oscar’s orphanage, which made the day extremely special), but I won’t. Instead, I’ll write about what’s been racing through my mind for the past week.
A terribly upsetting news story was recently broadcast on Australian television focusing on adoptions in Ethiopia. Most of you adopting from Ethiopia or who already have done so probably have seen this video. I hesitate to write this for fear of engaging in hyperbole, but I think it’s fair to say it was tragic. The most upsetting aspect of it (to me) was a clip from a waiting child DVD sent to prospective adoptive parents by an agency called “Christian World Adoptions”. In this segment, a woman sat surrounded by children and seemingly some parents and presented the children to the PAPs watching the DVD as being available for adoption. During this process, she said to the people around her something to the effect of “if you don’t want your children to be adopted, please don’t stay.” I am definitely paraphrasing, since I have watched this only twice and do not plan to watch it again. The gist of it was that she was asking parents to relinquish their children for international adoption and the tenor of the piece indicated that this was unsolicited by these parents.
I don’t know how many of you have seen waiting children DVDs. I have to say that, personally, I believe that they are distressing at best. I understand why agencies make them available, but they are extremely tough to watch simply because of their subject matter. Watching video of children available for adoption who are in need of parents should distress us. Watching video of children available for adoption who actually have parents who may be able to care for them should terrify us. I am not saying that the only children who should be adopted are those with no living parents (and please don’t call those kids “true orphans”). I am saying that the only children who should be adopted are those whose first parents or other surviving family members have made their own decision, free from coercion, to make their children available for adoption.
People are rightfully upset as a result of watching this story. We should be. While I think the piece itself was meant to be provocative, probably even shocking, in order to garner attention and ratings, the clip I referenced above was compelling. I do think that there were some glaring inaccuracies in the story that detract from the overall credibility of the piece, but the seed has been planted. How exactly do these kids end up in these orphanages?
As you might imagine, reactions vary greatly online. Families with the agency in question appear to be standing behind them. Families who have already adopted from Ethiopia appear to be saying that this is a result of the influx of new applicants for adoption and this never would have happened back when they adopted. Families in process appear to be confused and a bit afraid. I’m obviously in that last category.
People keep asking what the answer is here. How can this be prevented? I don’t think there is a simple answer.
I don’t think the answer is to shut down international adoption. We can pretend that there is no need for it, but I don’t believe that is the case. We can say that there are alternatives – people or governments can sponsor or otherwise provide for families living in poverty in these regions and that could prevent the need for adoption. A great idea, but it’s not happening on the scale that would be needed, and more importantly, possibly, is that a great many of us do that in different forms, and it does not appear to be eliminating the need for adoptive families.
People also like to say that the UNICEF statistics of the number of orphans is greatly exaggerated. Fine. I’ll agree with the premise. So there aren’t 5,000,000 orphans in Ethiopia who are available for adoption. Are there 500,000? 50,000? Even 5,000 in a year? Because even if 1% of the overblown number is accurate, there are more orphans available for adoption than are going to be adopted in a given year.
I think one thing we can do is engage in much more pointed conversations with our agencies both before and while we’re adopting. So many PAPs appear timid, as if they believe if they ask the hard questions their agency will blackball them. First, if that is the case, perhaps a second look at your agency is in order. Second, I think we want to know the answers to these questions sooner rather than later to prevent being caught unaware when we hear stories like this. The hope, of course, is that this is a complete and total outlier, and that “stories like this” will not occur again, but I do think it’s useful to have whatever information we can gain in this process. Believe me, as an adoptive parent, you’ll be happy to have the answers in the future. We should all better understand the process of how children are relinquished and brought into the care of their respective orphanages. Where are the weaknesses where impropriety could occur? What do our agencies do to prevent these issues?
I think we also have to also stop being so impatient when it comes to referrals. I get the impatience, don’t get me wrong. I just cringe when I see a post on a group where someone talks about getting a referral in X months and there is an immediate response saying “which agency???”. You know people are then moving to that agency expecting a quick referral. And you know that agency is going to be getting calls from those people, frustrated that their referral did not occur in X months. And the question becomes – are some of these agencies going to become a bit more creative in how they manage their average referral time. I think sometimes it might be prudent to remember what a referral actually signifies.
Many other things come to mind, which I’m sure I’ll eventually bore you with, such as conducting independent investigations prior to travel. But for now, I guess I’ll just keep hoping that people will continue to discuss these issues in a thoughtful manner, without resorting to hysteria. I do not think this story taints all adoptions, although it should make us all think a lot more critically about the manner in which we’re choosing to form our families.
Meanwhile, back in Viet Nam…
I’ve been reading about this foundation in Viet Nam that is focused on breaking the cycle of poverty by focusing on educating street kids, including victims of trafficking, and offering them job opportunities. A single AP of a little girl from VN has moved there to volunteer with the foundation, which I think would be an amazing opportunity. Since I know nothing about them specifically, I’m simply passing on information for those of you interested in researching other avenues to continue to support those who could use some assistance back in Viet Nam.
The name of the foundation is The Blue Dragon Children’s Foundation, founded about 7 years ago by an Australian teacher. According to its website, it has done the following (all of which I find fantastic – even the soccer):
Sent 928 kids back to school and training
Provided accommodation to 74 girls and boys
Served 71,327 meals
Built or repaired 16 homes for families
Distributed 2,610 litres of milk
Handed out 12,120 kgs of rice
Reunited 47 runaway children with their families
Taken 254 kids to a doctor or hospital
Put 5 teens through drug rehab
Obtained legal registration papers for 119 children
Rescued 42 trafficked children
Placed 37 teens in jobs
Played 557 games of soccer
I think it’s worth at least checking out.
Be a part of history
I would like to buy this t-shirt for Oscar (or Baby Etta), but there’s really no point. Given that neither of them were born on American soil, they’ll never have the right to be considered for President under current law.
While I was stuck in Viet Nam, I met a brilliant woman named McLane Layton, a former Congressional staffer and adoptive mother, who has worked tirelessly to advocate for the rights of adopted children. She is yet again attempting to gain certain basic rights for our children, including treating all adopted children of American citizens the same as a bio child of a citizen born outside of the U.S., a fundamentally fair concept and one whose time has come. I am sending the following letter to my Senators and I encourage you to consider doing the same (feel free to use any part of this you’d like in an attempt to obtain the same rights for our kids as any other American child enjoys).
Dear Senator,
I am the mother of a two-year-old boy named Oscar who I adopted from Viet Nam last year as an infant. I am currently in the process of adopting a sister for him from Ethiopia. I am writing to urge you to advocate for and support the FACE Act (S. 1359 Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act), which was introduced in the Senate in June.
When I adopted Oscar from Viet Nam, I was able to travel to meet him before his adoption was finalized by the Vietnamese ministry. This allowed me to bring him home to the United States on an IR3 visa. He became a U.S. citizen the second our plane touched down in San Francisco. Since then, I have spent months finalizing additional paperwork in the U.S. to finalize the adoption in California state court, complete a name change, and apply for a domestic birth certificate, social security number and a U.S. passport.
This time, adopting from Ethiopia, my daughter will travel home on an IR4 visa. Despite the fact that this adoption journey will likely take years to complete, it will be far from over when our plane touches down in the United States. Without automatic citizenship, I will be forced to apply for visas for her to travel to and from the U.S. I will also be unable to file my taxes (including applying for the federal adoption tax credit) until I have secured a social security number for my daughter. The adoption won’t be able to be finalized until I have had multiple post-placement home visits.
The FACE Act also guarantees internationally adopted children the same benefits all children born to Americans in this country receive. Electing Barack Obama to our nation’s highest office this past November was a seminal moment in our lives – particularly because our children will grow up assuming that anyone, of any ethnicity, can be president. However, no matter how hard my son and daughter work in school and how much they accomplish in life, neither will be able to aspire to be president of the United States. President Obama’s story is a story of the American dream realized. Please give that same American dream to each and every child who is adopted internationally by American parents.
Cut and run?
An interesting comment from Emanual prompted me to consider again whether adoption is inevitably corrupt. I’ve been devouring material in the past few months trying to understand how corruption occurs and whether it’s possible to have an ethical adoption. I’m certain that ethical adoptions occur, so I don’t believe the answer is to cut and run. I think the answer is for us as PAPs to both be proactive in seeing that our agencies are ethical and for us to make sure that we ourselves behave ethically.
We all need to stand up for integrity in adoption. Check out your agency either before you sign, or if you’re already with them, check them out now. This is extremely difficult work – you are never going to get adequate information – at some point you’re going to have to make a judgment call and rely on your instincts. Ask your agency the hard questions – don’t rely on an assumption that someone else must have asked the questions before you. Demand answers to these hard questions. Don’t let yourself be fed rhetoric that any agency could give you. If you don’t get the answers you need on your first phone call. Call again. The agency should not get frustrated at the fact that you’re checking them out.
If you’re able, do a docket search for litigation against your agency. I checked many, and believe me (or don’t – do your own research), there are a lot of cases that have been filed against agencies on the so-called “approved list.” On certain boards, you will see one civil case against one agency cited time after time, as if it is the only salient piece of litigation out there. This case has yet to be decided, and could simply be based on groundless accusations, but it is treated as if it were a decision from the US Supreme Court condemning this agency. But, two considerations about litigation. First, do not assume that just because a case is filed against an agency that the claims made in that case are true – this is America, and we use our civil courts not only for justice but also for satisfying our vendettas. And second, do not assume that just because you hear no references of litigation against the agencies that are considered to be ethical that there is no such litigation. You’d be surprised.
Look at Guide Star for details on both your agency and their charitable foundation (almost all have them). See where the money goes. Understand how corporations work. There’s been a lot on the boards about the “greedy agencies” just wanting to get more clients in the door for fees. But the factor a lot of people seem to forget is that these are NON-profit corporations. These agencies aren’t distributing dividends to their stockholders, they’re not making a profit. The employees in my agency are not well paid and they’re not picking up extra on the charitable foundation side. I’ve checked. The only way they’re pocketing any real money is if they are siphoning off the international fees or getting kick backs from corrupt facilitators. Show me where that is occurring and I’ll do more than point my fingers at them, but until I have something looking like proof, I will not.
We live in a culture where the mere mention of the word “corporation” gets people in a lather. But, people, these are not the oil companies we detest so much. These are agencies whose sole purpose is to find families for children without them. That is what adoption is about. It’s not about you or me or our desire to have a child. It’s not about the fact that you may have been trying to get pregnant for 10 years. It’s about orphans who have a bleak future, who are possibly malnourished and languishing in orphanages in countries that experience poverty at a level you and I cannot understand. It’s about finding homes for children who, if not adopted, are going to be cast aside from the orphanage around age 15, left to fend for themselves in countries that don’t even have the limited safety net we have here. So, do I think we give up on adoption? No way.
My desire to adopt was formed when I was a child. There are millions of children in this world who need families, and I truly believe that those of us who are capable have a responsibility to take care of them. However, there are evil people in this world, people who will prey on those desperate to have a family, who are willing to buy or steal children for a fee. Soon after countries open to international adoption, these monsters come out of the woodwork; that seems to be the cycle. But, I don’t think that these people play a part in the majority of adoptions. I believe they’re fairly rare, but once they’re discovered, we jump to the conclusion that this is the typical behavior. To make that leap, though, I think we have to assume that most people are evil, which I will not do. These people certainly exist, but I will not let them keep me from giving a child a future. Will I adopt from Vietnam? I certainly hope so, but it will be in an ethically sound way. Once I understood more about the gender issue, I became open to either gender (and how crazy was it that I wasn’t before?). I’m going to continue to think critically throughout the process. I’m not going to turn a blind eye to questionable paperwork, ignore red flags or engage in questionable behavior. I believe that if I do, I become complicit in this corruption. That’s just not going to happen.
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Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
