Yes, I got a referral!
Sorry for the confusion my last message created for some of you. I was trying to share news without the luxury of the time to do so properly. I’ll rewind.
Last week I cracked. I had been somewhat patient in my wait for a referral, but that patience abandoned me weeks ago. By last week I was beyond reason; pretty much losing my sanity when I started to believe that I wouldn’t receive a referral until next month. As a result, when given the opportunity to take the little guy on a weekend trip away, I thought it would be good for both of us. He’d get to go to an amusement park and I’d get to get away from the stress of the wait (I hear those of you who have adopted laughing right now).
While we were on our trip I emailed my coordinator to see whether she thought there would be any new baby girl referrals. Since becoming #1 on the wait list, I had started emailing her once a week to check in. I figured emailing was less invasive than calling, when I figured she would sit there thinking “would you please stop asking me when you’re getting a referral?” I usually check in on Monday, but since I had just hit the month mark at #1, decided to accelerate it. Sometimes our agency gets word that new children have come to the orphanage but they can’t give the referral because they’re waiting on medical info, etc. My coordinator responded to my question saying “no; nothing right now.” I figured it would be at least a couple of weeks before I heard anything, so I just resigned myself to another period of staring at the phone, willing it to ring and being disappointed when 3:00 rolled around on weekdays and my agency shut down for the night.
Oscar and I wrapped up our trip and headed to the airport early, where we sat for hours waiting for our much delayed flight. The not so perfect ending to a quick trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. I spent some time emailing friends and colleagues and when our flight was finally about to depart grabbed my phone to turn it off. I looked down and was more than a little surprised to see this…
Missed calls from my agency! I was pretty sure I knew what this meant, so I hustled to call my coordinator as quickly as possible while juggling Oscar, my 20 pound monster bag (the orange leather one in the pic below – greatest diaper bag ever, BTW!), my blackberry, my phone and Oscar’s stroller (which I was trying to simultaneously fold up) as we walked down the jetway to the plane. My coordinator gave me all the relevant details – beautiful little baby girl, 3 months, maybe 4 months old, where she comes from and what her name is and its meaning (which is so perfect). And she told me at least three times how beautiful she was, which ended up being really nice to hear because the picture of I got wasn’t the greatest quality. We got off the phone when the flight attendant kept glaring at me, and I kept downloading info from my blackberry as they were shutting the door of the plane. I was able to save her social report and her photo, so I spent a chunk of the flight looking at those while trying to keep Oscar entertained. For some reason he wasn’t as enthralled by these things as I was.
Since then, it’s been a whirlwind of activity sharing the great news, and of course accepting the referral. I managed to snap and post a pic of Oscar in the t-shirt I ordered for him eons ago in a hope that a picture of him could serve to spread the word while I waited to formally accept. That t-shirt, by the way, was designed and ordered in mid-September, when it looked like my referral was imminent. It’s now almost too small for Oscar and traveled with us to Mexico and Oklahoma. That’s how sure I was that I would get my referral before Christmas. I was so certain I would not get a referral on this trip that it stayed in the closet.
I’ve decided that the next time that things get too stressful in this adoption we’re heading to Disneyland. I promise not to complete that thought by making some schmaltzy reference to being the place where dreams come true. Okay, I lied.
It’s time
I thought that I was going to be all zen throughout this process and not sweat the timing of my referral. I already have a child, I kept telling myself, there’s no big rush here. In fact, it would be better (career wise) if this adoption happened later in the year next year.
Those tactics worked for about five months after I got on the wait list. I saw a chip in my armor on this about a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been steadily increasing in size each day. I’m not saying that I think my wait has been too long or anything. I actually think it’s a completely reasonable amount of time to wait (even a much longer wait is more than reasonable). I get the significance of what I’m waiting for and what it means. All of it. That does not change, however, my desire to actually see my daughter’s face for the first time or my desire to actually get on the real wait list – the one for a court date. Since, as we know in international adoptions, a referral is just the first step. The real waiting begins then. Just saying that my patience is not what I once thought it was. In reality, “my patience” might not exist anymore.
Disjointed Weirditude
So, I’ve been a bit uneasy about my referral ever since I received it. I got the call during the NOID crisis and before the new I-600 process was announced, so, obviously, that tainted my experience a bit. I’ve had all of the usual euphoric feelings that I imagine we all have, but when those subsided, I was left with this feeling, a detachment, that I couldn’t really comprehend. At first, I thought I was concerned with whether the baby’s first mother was coerced in any way (or, even worse, if she has no idea whether the baby is going to be adopted internationally). I don’t think that that was the root of the detachment. I think I get it now, though. I’m concerned that the baby in the picture isn’t going to be my child. I don’t for a second think that my agency has engaged in anything other than the most ethical behavior. I think I’m just concerned that until I get through the I-600 process (which, for me, has not even started), I can’t take anything for granted. I know that I will adopt a child at the end of this process, but I’m just not sure that it’s going to be the little boy whose picture is on my refrigerator. Not so much a feeling I want to be experiencing. I’ve read a lot of blogs, and I haven’t seen anyone mention this. I take that to mean that either I’m some sort of monster, or others don’t write about this.
Weird thing #2, I found out today that “my” baby (see, I won’t even type it yet) has the same name as my ex-husband. This is actually extremely strange, since they share an extremely uncommon name. What does that mean?
While writing this, I’ve found out that the first approvals under the I-600 process were received early this morning. Congratulations to those of you who received fantastic news this morning from the USCIS! (as if you’re reading blogs when some of you are traveling on Thursday!). I guess I get to wrap this up on a high note.
Paperclips
Notwithstanding my last post, now that I have accepted my referral, I am counting the days until I go to Vietnam. Not clear how long it will take, but my fabulous case manager gave me the helpful advice to place the number of paperclips that represents the average number of days it typically takes from referral to travel in my province (plus a big buffer) and to move one paperclip per day to a separate pile. While I do have many many more paperclips on the waiting side, I do already have some in the other pile. Somehow I find it kind of comforting to be able to visualize it this way.
I’ll let you in on a secret…
I received my referral! He’s the most beautiful little boy in the world (ok, at least to me), and the most wonderful thing is that he was born on my grandmother’s birthday. Even in normal circumstances this would have been incredibly special to me, given how much I adore my grandmother, but she’s now in the late stages of Alzheimer’s, which makes this so bittersweet. The past few years have been very difficult for my mother, and quite honestly, no one in the family really talks about grandma because it is too painful to discuss what has happened to this beautiful woman. I’m not a religious person, but I do consider myself spiritual, and I believe it is a sign that this little boy was meant to be my son. I’m excited to meet him sometime soon. Off to gaze at his picture (again).
What I’m wondering about today
Do people actually decline referrals for children in Vietnam? Personally, I can’t imagine doing so. I imagine it happens in countries where fetal alcohol syndrome is a real possibility. But in Vietnam, where the children appear to be relatively healthy, if a PAP is given a referral where the medical info does not indicate a likelihood of special needs, I wonder whether those people might still choose to pass on a child. I guess it’s possible that a PAP might decline a referral for a child with minor needs, like anemia, but I wonder how often it happens. What if the circumference of the child’s head is smaller than it should be (indicating a possibility of FAS or mental retardation)? Mis-measurement of the circumference evidentally is very common. Would something as minor as that be sufficient to make a PAP say no to a child? Do people decline referrals because of the appearance of the child? I’ve got to think that after all that goes into getting to the point of obtaining a referral, you would simply fall in love with the child no matter what. But, people never cease to surprise me, so maybe some would walk away from a child who didn’t meet their expectations regarding physical appearance. I, of course, type this confident that the child that will be referred to me will be the most beautiful baby ever. At least to me . . .
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Where I’ve Been
