Single parenting
It appears that Ethiopia may be planning again to restrict the ability of singles to adopt (this from a few agencies I’ve talked with – other agencies say they haven’t heard a thing). They’re not prohibiting us from doing it, but they have a strong preference towards two-parent families, which makes me believe they’ll be going the way of China, perhaps. This prompts me to revisit an issue I debated internally before I chose to adopt Oscar and even while I was waiting for his referral. Are two parents really better than one? Would Oscar have been better off in a two-parent household?
It’s easy to say that one parent is better than none, but even I have struggled with the question of whether two parents are better than one. I almost didn’t adopt because I thought it would be unfair to a child not to have a father. Clearly, I came around to the other point of view. I think it’s critical that Oscar have male influences in his life, and he does – his grandfather and my friends (and as soon as he meets them, his uncles). But, as I look at my friends in their two-parent families, I find it hard to believe that Oscar has been cheated in some way. He has me, our full-time live-in nanny (bless her), his two dogs and my friends and family all showering him with love and attention. Economically, we’re as well off, if not better off, than most people simply from my income, so he’s doing well there, too. He doesn’t have a dad, though.
Whether that dad were to live in our house or just visit on weekends, whether he worked too much or was as engaged in Oscar’s life as I am, he would be one of the two most important people in Oscar’s life. Am I wrong for not letting him have that? Looking at him, it’s hard to believe I am. He’s so very happy and comfortable in his life here, but I’ll never really know what kind of influence a father would have had on his life (unless I miraculously find someone).
What I do know is this. What makes a family is not the presence of a man, woman and child. A family is a group of people brought together (either by birth, by adoption or just by happenstance) who share their lives together (in some cases, whether they want to or not). It has nothing to do with blood or a marriage certificate and it has nothing to do with whether there is both a mother and father to raise the kids. When countries restrict the abilities of singles to adopt, they’re simply saying that they believe we’re not good enough independently to parent their kids. When they say we can only adopt SN kids, they’re saying we’re only good enough to parent those whose worth they think is diminished (because our worthiness as parents is diminished by the lack of a spouse). The “more worthy” healthy children will go to the preferred, two-parent homes (whether those families stay intact or not after the adoption).
Listen, every country has the right to make their rules on who gets to adopt their children. They’re sovereign nations with that ability. If they decide that it’s preferable for two-parent families to adopt their kids, so be it. I just happen to disagree with some of those rules and find it unfortunate that some children won’t be placed into some really great homes that happen to only have one parent. Ultimately, I’m just happy that some countries recognize the need to open their doors to international adoption and actually allow it to happen.
Blissful Ignorance
Wow. Was I some kind of idiot when I started my first adoption or what? I chose a homestudy agency near my home, chose a country based on the fact that it accepted singles, had a low incidence rate of FAS and had a culture I found interesting and chose an IA agency because my homestudy agency recommended it and other families did, too. I didn’t know what a NOID really was; I didn’t worry about my country shutting down; and I didn’t worry all that much about ethics (I mean, they reopened the country, so the process had to be fixed, right?). I automatically ruled out domestic adoption (who’s going to choose a single woman to parent her child?) and special needs (hey, there’s no way I could knowingly take that on). I had no idea what I didn’t even know about adoption.
I feel like I’m starting from scratch on this one. Maybe I’ll adopt a bi-racial baby domestically. There is an obvious appeal to knowing I’m not going to have to spend weeks (or months!) in a foreign country alone with my kids. Maybe I’ll adopt an HIV positive child. All I know right now is that with every thought I have, I have a number of thoughts questioning the original one.
Adopting domestically – it would be nice to have a child from the time s/he is a newborn, but I do wonder whether Oscar would somehow be jealous of that. There’s also the issue that this adoption would likely be an open one. Is it fair for one child to have a relationship (regardless of how close it is) with his or her birth mother when the other cannot?
Adopting special needs kids – I know now that I can take on far more than I previously thought. I also have a better handle on the kind of life kids who don’t find families are likely to have. Is it unfair to Oscar to have a sibling with a significant medical need that will require such a large amount of my attention? Or, would that need eventually just become a part of who that child is that he didn’t even really notice it? Do I really have it in me to parent a child with a chronic illness that could become a terminal disease? I think I do, but one of my best friends reacted to this prospect far more negatively than I had imagined anyone would. There’s still a lot of mis-information and prejudice out there about HIV. I know I’m open to “correctible” needs like a cleft palate. I met the sweetest little girl in VN whose lovely mom was waiting it out over there, too. Little RG had the sweetest disposition notwithstanding the fact that she had severe hip dysplasia and a club foot that had to be causing her extreme pain. While I know the surgeries, etc. would be difficult, I no longer see those obstacles as reasons to turn away from a child.
Adopting internationally again – Where? Jeez, it’s becoming tough for a single girl out there. There’s Ethiopia, of course, but will it go the way of Vietnam? The multiple trips required of some of the Eastern bloc (and Asian) countries rule them out for me. I just can’t put Oscar (or myself or our dogs) through that. There’s Colombia, although I would be looking at an older child, which raises the birth order issue. I’m leaning towards India, but I’m not of Indian descent, so that makes it more difficult (added to the fact I’m a 40 year old single woman) and likely I’ll need to adopt an older child (birth order issue, again). I’m interested in Thailand, but there are significant restrictions there.
Gender – Hmm. Do I want to choose? I’m thinking no. Although I have a great name for a little girl and still have some desire to have one, I know I won’t be asking for a HBG AYAP. Should I adopt a brother for Oscar? Maybe it wouldn’t matter to him.
Timing – While part of me would love to do my homestudy now, I know I can’t adopt until next summer at the earliest. I do want to have at least a year with Oscar home alone before we actually bring another child home, so if I go international, starting back up now is the right choice. From talking with some of you out there who have gone the domestic route, I’ve been shocked about how quickly you’ve been able to add to your families when you’ve been open to race, relationship with birth mother, etc.
So, while I was thinking that my second adoption should be a snap, I’ve managed to make it far more complicated than the first. Not a surprise, really, if you know me. Perhaps I’ll simply put all of the options into a hat and have Oscar choose. Ok, probably not, but there’s some appeal there.
I’m back in the game (I think)
So, I’m going through this great internal debate right now, and if any of you still check in here, I’d love to get your thoughts. I’m considering adopting again (honestly, I’ve been thinking about it since about the third week after Oscar’s G&R), but I’m a little bit conflicted. Oscar is my special guy; would I really be able to have the same sort of feelings that I have for him for another child? After all the two of us have been through together, it’s hard to imagine being able to establish the same sort of bond with another child. I know I took a huge leap of faith when I started the process for Oscar; is this the same sort of thing?
Shopping Assistance
Hello everyone! I haven’t been here for a while, but that was because I was sulking while our friends in HCMC were wading through other applications before confirming receipt of my I-600. Now that I’m able to count down the days on the 60 day meter (and I hope lots of you can, too, or have actually been approved!), I’ve decided I need to get serious about some shopping.
Since it’s been many many months since my referral, I’ve actually accumulated quite a few items for Oscar – you know, all of the cute / stylish / fun ones. Unfortunately for me, I’ve kept the most difficult shopping decision for last. I truly cannot decide which formula I should use. Do I use the premium (super expensive ones) because I’m afraid that I won’t be giving the best option to my child (which, I’m sure is exactly what these formula makers want us to believe)? Or, do I use the store brands (Costco, Target, etc.)? From what I understand, the major difference is how finely the formula is ground (resulting in a smoother beverage for the more sophisticated palate). The core contents of the formulas themselves are federally regulated, but that leaves the additives, which are not. Are those in Similac / Enfamil that much better than those in the much cheaper brands?
The odd thing here is that I’m not a penny pincher. I splurge when I think a brand is superior to another. I do, however, hate to be a fool and taken advantage of and I really hate to be manipulated into believing that I’m doing someone harm (whether it’s myself, my dog, or now, my son).
After the brand decision, I’m going to have to come up with a decision on whether to use organic formula and what do I want added into the formula (ARA / DHA I take are a must). Any advice on any of these things?
Easier questions:
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how many crib sheets do I need?
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where can I find plain white diapers (all of the diapers I have purchased have some sort of cutesy design – worst case is the Winnie the Pooh design, ugh)?
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is there anything wrong with using those Avent bottles with the disposable liners long term or do people simply use them for traveling?
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how many pairs of pyjamas do I need, or should I simply use those sleep sacks?
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any recommendations on baby sunscreen?
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do I need to wash all of Oscar’s clothes in Dreft or some other baby detergent before he wears them?
Any assistance (from the BTDTs and the first timers muddling through this with me) is much appreciated.
For Sarah
Healthier, huh?
Haven’t been able to even get online for days, since I’ve been trying to get a huge deal signed. I’ve been in the office since (no joke) Saturday morning. I mean, I have not left the office since then, and the earliest I might even have a chance at getting out is 5:00 am tomorrow (open of market, when we might announce this deal). The amazing thing is that it’s not even bothering me that I have billed 90 hours in four days and that I have had six hours sleep in the same amount of time.
Why, you ask? Probably two reasons. First, this is one of those career-making deals, which is great, since it’s coming before I go on leave and the preliminary partnership decision for me will occur while I’m out. More importantly, though, this is the last time I’m going to do this. I will not be able to ever do this again. It’s kind of liberating. Lots of people in my firm simply refuse to do all-nighters, and I’m going to become one of them. Very nice thought.
By the way, the no sugar or other unhealthy foods thing is over. I have lived on nothing but pizza (one is being delivered as I type), Thai food, scones from Starbucks and treats from the vending maching (compliments of the partner on the deal). Not a good week food-wise.
My first card
I received my first new baby card. Now that I know what it means, I’ve got to say, it wasn’t the exact sentiment that I thought would be expressed, but probably appropriate considering the friend sending the message. I guess the upside is that at least one man still finds me attractive at 40?
I did it!
I actually put the crib together all on my own, and it held together even when I put my smaller dog in there (45 pounds, so I think it was a good test case, although Max was not a bit fan of the experiment). I’m feeling like a rock star right about now. So pleased with myself, actually, that I think I’m ready to get started with the changing table! Who knew I would be so freakishly excited about manual labor?
The crib as a feminist statement?
Last night I started to assemble the baby’s crib. Feeling like the empowered woman of the 21st century that I am, I read the instructions, sorted the hardware, located the power drill my dad so helpfully gave me for Christmas a few years ago (my brothers got the same thing, so I imagine he didn’t want to be sexist and exclude me) and very quickly wished that I had a man in the house to deal with this. I don’t often ask my male friends for help with physical labor. I’ve been single long enough that I’ve developed enough skills to handle quite a lot of domestic chores. The crib seems to be another matter entirely.
My child is going to sleep in this crib. Because of this, I am both determined to assemble it myself and fairly apprehensive that I’m going to do something incorrectly. I mean, my child’s safety is at stake, right? But what does it mean that I can’t even put together the crib without wanting to call for some strong guy to come and save me? There are going to be hundreds, if not thousands, of moments when I am going to wish I had someone beside me to help with the baby. And I know that I’m going to want to call upon my friends for that assistance. I guess I just don’t know when I should be doing that.
I’m the super-capable one in my group. I’m the one everyone else leans on, the one everyone refers to as the strong one. But am I the strong one because I don’t know how to ask for help? I’ve never thought that asking for help meant that someone was weak. I simply think that asking for help is frequently an imposition on people. Given that I already know that I’m going to have to impose on my friends, I’m reluctant to do so until I’m in an extreme situation. I guess part of this has to do with the fact that I’m the one who chose to adopt a child on my own (the old “you made your bed” argument – as if I’m a teenager who found herself pregnant). As a result, I think I should be able to deal with the vast majority of issues on my own. I’ll save my requests for assistance for the big stuff – the day when I’m inevitably bound to my bed with some dreaded influenza or worse – the day when I try to teach the boy how to pee standing up.
For now, I guess I’m going to go home, unscrew the pieces I put together incorrectly last night, and give crib assembly 101 another try. Please, just don’t call PETA when I put one of my dogs in the crib to test how much weight it will hold.
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Etta’s Hats
Where I’ve Been
