Now what?
Thank you all for your sweet comments and wishes for our newly expanded family. For those of you who remarked, either here or on FB, about this all seeming like it flew by, you have no idea how accurate you are (well, with the exception of the four-day period immediately preceding the court date, which was torture). How fast was it? Well, when I accepted my referral I told myself that I was not going to start whining about getting a court date until 6 weeks after my referral. I put reminders on my Outlook calendar to notify me when each week had passed. This morning I looked at my calendar for next week and saw the reminder for next Tuesday – “Week 5 Finished”. . . and yet, I’ve already passed court and am waiting for my Embassy date. Unbelievable. What’s surprising to me is that three families, including mine, went onto the baby girl wait list within about a week of each other. We received referrals right before Christmas, January 8 (I remember because this made me #1) and then one month later on February 8 and yet we all passed court within two days of each other. Bizarre how that ended up working.
What happens next? Apparently I am waiting for Etta’s birth certificate and Ethiopian passport, which will then be delivered to the Embassy, along with a bunch of other docs, I imagine, in order for our Embassy appointment to be scheduled. We’ve been told end of April/beginning of May, but who knows? I think 6 families with my agency passed court this week, so hopefully we’ll have one or two nice travel groups.
In the meantime, I’ve put together a little gift for Etta that will be taken to her by a super generous and sweet mom with my agency. She’s leaving to pick up her son in just a couple of weeks. Another friend is just returning from Ethiopia right now with her daughter. She loved on Etta and took tons of pics and some video, so I can’t wait to get the details from her.
I’m also working on her American name. She is currently named Dink Alem, which means amazing world. Obviously, I love the name, but using the word “dink” in a house with a child from Vietnam does not seem appropriate. I’m 99% sure I’m naming her Gabre Ella Grayson (Gabre is an Ethiopian name), but I’ve changed my mind before, so . . .
So, that’s where we are. I’ve already started packing. Pathetic, I know, but it gave me an opportunity to take out Etta’s pretty little clothes (not that I’m taking many of those with me to Ethiopia – we all know the risk of giardia and blow-outs; I’m thinking we’ll take the basics and save the pretty stuff for home). I’ve been buying bows and headbands for my beautiful big bald baby and am even thinking about moving the crib into my room to get Oscar used to the change before I leave for Ethiopia.
Wait, did you get that? Yeah, “before I leave”. Not we. The accelerated timeline I am now on is not going to allow me to have much time in country. I just don’t think it makes sense to fly Oscar more than half way around the world, subject him to jetlag and then turn right around and subject him to another 33 hours of travel in which he can’t sit on my lap because the girl in all of those pictures is already on it. I hate the idea of leaving him at home, but I think it might be the smarter choice. Especially since reading the blog of a family who just traveled with their toddler son who passed out a day or two after arriving in Addis. He’s fine, but it really served as a reminder of just how exhausting travel can be. Of course, I’ve changed my mind on this twice already. . .
One
Do you think there’s a doctor around here who would put me on a Valium drip from now until about noon on Wednesday? PPO, not HMO. Does that help?
Two
gulp
Three
Three days should seem like they’ll fly by in an instant. Right now, though, the next three days seem like they’re going to take an eternity to pass.
I’ve decided not to focus on the embassy news for the time being. A court date seems like enough to freak out about right now. Plenty of time to worry about that after passing court . . . which I really would like to be Wednesday. Not that I have any say in the matter, of course.
Deja Vu, Anyone?
I’ll start with the good news, which I’m posting early because what I’m posting next sucks.
And now, the somewhat scary news. Guess what’s happening in Ethiopian adoptions? [feel free to read the adoption notice posted on the State Department's Ethiopia page Friday afternoon (and conveniently pasted below) and then pop on back up here.]
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for ensuring that Etta is an orphan. I just worry about the way our State Department chooses to go about doing this. Those of you who haven’t been in an international adoption program that shut down because of corruption may think the procedure referenced below is no big deal. I hope it isn’t. That it won’t tack on months to the adoption process, resulting in children being stuck in orphanages and care centers longer than they should be all because of a few bad actors (who I believe should be shut down). Those of us who have been (and have lived through, either personally or through close friends, the nightmare of prolonged field investigations and RFEs and NOIDs (hopefully you won’t need to learn these acronyms, but just in case - request for evidence (which DoS gives you when they believe your paperwork isn’t sufficient to warrant a visa but aren’t ready to issue a NOID) and a notice of intent to deny (which you get when they’re about to deny you a visa)) are troubled by this news. I’m mostly concerned that State is implementing this process with an eye towards shutting down the Ethiopian program. I certainly hope they’re simply trying to clean up any wrongdoing and not simply working to compile a set of facts that will permit them to issue one of their infamous memoranda and stop legitimate adoptions from occurring.
Ethiopia
Adoption Notice March 5, 2010
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE
Bureau of Consular Affairs
Office of Children’s Issues
Change in Processing Timeline for Adoption Cases
The Department of State shares families’ concerns about recent media reports alleging direct recruitment of children from birth parents by adoption service providers or their employees. In response to these reports, the U.S. Embassy in Addis Ababa has implemented some changes to adoption visa processing. Adoptive parents should be aware that an I-604 (Determination on Child for Adoption, sometimes referred to as “orphan investigation”) must be completed in connection with every I-600 application. Depending on the circumstances of the case, this investigation may take up to several weeks or even months to complete. Therefore, adoptive parents should not plan to travel to Ethiopia until they have confirmed with their adoption agency that their visa interview appointment has been confirmed.
Adoption agencies submit case paperwork to the U.S. Embassy for review before the Embassy schedules the immigrant visa appointment. In some cases the I-604 determination could take several weeks or more from the time a case is submitted to the U.S. Embassy to the scheduling of a visa interview appointment. We understand that in such cases this will result in a longer period before parents are able to bring their adopted children to the U.S. However, this additional scrutiny is required to ensure that the adoption is legal under both U.S. and Ethiopian law. The U.S. Embassy will work with adoptive parents and their adoption agency to ensure that each case is processed in the most expeditious manner possible in accordance laws and regulations. Families should continue to work through their agency to schedule immigrant visa appointments and answer questions regarding pending cases.
If families have concerns about their adoption, we ask that they share this information with the Embassy, particularly if it involves possible fraud or misconduct specific to your child’s case. The Embassy takes all allegations of fraud or misconduct seriously.
The best way to contact the Embassy is by email at ConsAdoptionAddis@state.gov. Please include your name, your child’s name, your adoption agency, the date of the adoption (month and year), and, if possible, the immigrant visa case number for your child’s case (this number begins with the letters ADD followed several numbers and can be found on any document sent to you by the National Visa Center). Please let us know if we have your permission to share concerns about your specific case with Ethiopian government officials.
We strongly encourage you to register any complaint that you may have about an adoption agency in the following ways:
You may file a complaint with the state licensing authority where your adoption agency is licensed and conducts business. The Child Welfare Information Gateway, which is maintained by the Department of Health and Human Services, provides such a list at the link below: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/rl_dsp.cfm?rs_id=15&rate_chno=AZ-0008E
- You may also file a report with the state’s Better Business Bureau. Following is the link to the Better Business Bureau’s website where you may file a complaint on-line: https://odr.bbb.org/odrweb/public/getstarted.aspx
- If your agency is a Hague-accredited adoption service provider, you are encouraged to file a complaint on the Hague Complaint Registry located at the link below. This information will be used by the accrediting entities to evaluate the agency in connection with the renewal of its accreditation status. http://adoption.state.gov/hague/overview/complaints.htmlThe U.S. Embassy continues to work with the Government of Ethiopia to ensure that appropriate safeguards exist to protect prospective adoptive children, their birth parents, and prospective adoptive parents. Please continue to monitor adoption.state.gov for updated information.
Five
I thought I was going to escape that whole getting anxious about court thing. I seem to have been mistaken about that. Not freaking out or anything, but definitely getting a little edgy about the prospect of our case being heard on Wednesday. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t expect to pass on the first attempt. I’d love to, but I’m not counting on it. It’s even possible that our case won’t be heard. That it will be rescheduled. Even if it occurs, there’s no guarantee of success. Etta’s birth family must attend and a letter from the ministry must be present. Lots of variables and each of them is out of my control. All I can do is count down the days and post a little picture of a number.
The suckitude of the past two weeks Part I
I suppose it wasn’t a nervous breakdown, but my referral certainly set off a chain of events (or perhaps was simply the first in a chain of events) that had me shutting down many things that were not mandatory for me to do. Like, you know, blogging and wearing makeup and stuff like that.
I received Etta’s referral and was thrilled, but along with the excitement came all of those emotions that I felt when I received Oscar’s referral. The whole “this is my child (?)” thing. Ugh. It was bad enough the first time I went through this (the questioning, not the adopting). I was really doing it again? So, I spent days poring over Etta’s pictures (the very few good ones all thanks to one really awesome mom who just picked up her son) wondering about her. What she really looked like, how old she really was, will she hate me, does she laugh or smile, how big she was . . . was she meant to be part of our family. Whoa. What?
As many of you know, I am not a “meant to be” person. I reject determinism (basically the belief that every event is causally determined – in fact, a lot of you probably do, too; if you believe that things are pre-determined to happen, ask yourself whether you should blame people when they do something “bad” or wrong; is it right to punish someone when their actions were pre-determined? or do you ultimately believe that they had some part in their actions? - sorry, the philosophy lecture is now over). So, why was I obsessing over whether this tiny little girl was fated to be my daughter?
I have some thoughts on the why’s, but ultimately, that doesn’t matter. I think it’s appropriate to freak out a little when you’re matched with a child. It’s natural to wonder whether this little person, a complete and total stranger, would want to be a part of your family. Whether the whole mother-child bond will happen. How the addition of another child will impact the child you have at home. Whether you’ll be able to make it all work out.
Sadly, that’s not what I was worrying about with Etta. I was not thinking about whether that bond would happen or, more appropriately, when it would happen. Ultimately it dawned on me that I was engaging in exactly the behavior that I found confusing in others. Wondering whether she was “the one.” When I realized what I was doing, I looked back at what initially motivated me to adopt. That had nothing to do with finding the “right” child. The child who was meant to be with me. I was motivated by wanting to have a family and wanting to build that family through adopting a child who simply needed a family.
When I figured this out, everything went back to normal, to the extent that can exist during an adoption process. It does not matter whether Etta was divinely or mystically fated to be in our family. It just matters that she is part of it and that I know I’ll do whatever is needed to make sure our family works. . . at least until the kids are teenagers. At that point, all bets are off.
The inevitable . . .
. . . yes, I’m still here post.
Ever have one of those periods where everything that happens at work is so dramatic that you would love to be able to blog about it, but the reality is that there is so much press about what you’re doing (or, more accurately, what your client is doing) that the mere hint of what’s going on (even on your teeny little blog) could attract more notoriety for your client, which would undoubtedly result in the demise of your career – if you career isn’t already dead simply because of the link between you and the aforementioned notoriety? I caught myself a little more than a week ago preparing my thoughts to blog about just one tiny little piece of this, but had to stop, since although what was going on was not only on the business news, but also in the main-stream press – locally, nationally and globally – there was just too much risk in talking about it. It was awful – 10 years of having nothing interesting happen in my professional life and then this – and I couldn’t say a word about it. So, I didn’t say a word generally. Because, really, who wants to blog when you can’t blog about the most interesting thing happening around you?
If I can’t blog about *that*, I need to blog about something else, and all those topics seem tired:
- the when am I going to get a referral post – I think I’ve beaten this one to death. It’s been seven months now since my final, signed home study was delivered to my agency (which is the trigger for going on the wait list for my agency) and I don’t have a referral and I have no idea when I’ll get one. I’m pretty sure I will get a referral at some point in the future, but blogging about the wait just seems useless and boring. That, sadly, does not mean that I don’t need to obsess about it, apparently, since I’m doing that with some frequency.
- the what am I going to do about Oscar’s inability to speak and/or understand what’s being said to him post. This is just too depressing right now, honestly, so I need to not talk about it.
- my career path – boring and seemingly futile right about now.
- Oscar’s potty training – going well, but the interesting aspects of it do not strike me as being appropriate for public discussion. All I will mention is that if you have a child with SPD, you can likely understand our frustration on this topic.
And that’s it. I’ve been toiling away at work on something very interesting that I cannot discuss and I go home (when I’m able to do so), I drop exhaustedly into bed, wake up early to play with Oscar and repeat the cycle. Maybe something new and interesting will happen soon. Promise I’ll tell when it does.
Pre-adoption checklist
Ask a woman in the process of adopting what she’s doing during her wait and she will inevitably mention the checklist of items she would like to accomplish before child number X arrives home. I, of course, am absolutely the same. My checklist this time is nowhere similar to the one I had before Oscar came home. That one was cluttered with all kinds of parenting-related items. Ha. All of the first-time mom shopping, of course, but also a lot of reading on how to be a mom (very little of what I read, BTW, was truly applicable to my situation – those books sadly are not written with adoptive families in mind). I completed a lot of online seminars on adoption and parenting – attachment, etc. (these proved helpful only with respect to allowing me to recognize that we were having attachment issues; not much in the sense of how to survive them). Obsessed about the type of formula I would use. Would I try to breastfeed? Would I obtain another woman’s breast milk for Oscar (yes, Dad, I considered that). I cannot even comprehend how many hours I must have spent researching the type of bottles we would use. Moms to be, I’ll save you some time – these are awesome. even on marble floors.
I realize how silly much of that was now. Now, my list is almost single-minded in its focus. What can I do now to make my life easier then, with “then” being the horrendous period that will occur when Baby Etta arrives home. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super excited about adding her to our family. But as those of you who have adopted know, transitions can be rough. They can suck. And if this one is anything like Oscar’s . . . well, I’m not going to let myself go there, but I’m going to do whatever I can to prepare for some of it.
What’s on my checklist?
- lose some weight – DONE – this one was on the list for a few reasons – vanity (I didn’t want to be fat and ugly in our gotcha day pics), health (“they” say it’s unhealthy to carry extra weight) and sheer survival (if I”m going to chase after two kids, it would help to be lighter. and it is soooo much easier to run around with Oscar with 30+ pounds gone). wish I had done this sooner.
- de-clutter the house – very much still in process. my house is making me insane. I feel like we move the same stuff around time after time. I’m trying to do a major purge in the next few months – even getting rid of things that have been sacred to me before (e.g. books – I have a lot of sacred books, and a lot of stupid ones, too). we might be moving this summer and I would like to be able to do that a lot more efficiently than before. Oscar’s baby clothes (the ones that aren’t entirely too masculine for Etta) are fair game, too).
- fix my computers – I used to have two computers at home – my macbook air and a desktop imac. loved them. Oscar really loved them. so much that the laptop is freaking out and we came home from Mexico to a desktop with the gray screen of death. our VN pics are on the laptop and the last year’s photos are on the other one, so I have to get them fixed. OH – I even have another old computer at home (yes, another mac and yes, it died too) that used to have my photos from Russia and Africa on them but those were lost too. add that one to the list.
- figure out how to backup my computers – see above. I actually have one of those external drives. I just am not sure what I’m supposed to do to use it.
- figure out Oscar’s educational plan – for crying out loud, the child is 2 1/2, but apparently I’m way behind the curve on this. I have no idea where he’s going to go to pre-school and I didn’t even make an attempt to get him into the good ones in SF.
- figure out where we’re going to live – see above. with the lottery system in SF, I don’t think I want to stay in the city when Oscar goes to school. do I have to explain that I’m not going to pay for private school for two kids? as a result, we’ll need to move in the next few years. where? that is the question. somewhere in the area, but I can’t really decide until I have a clue what’s going to happen with my career, etc.
- get a better grasp on Oscar’s medical and developmental issues – actively engaged on this; I’m thinking this is not going to be “accomplished” at any point, but perhaps I can get us past the insane number of consultations we have on our list so I can deal with eliminating parasites, etc. when Etta joins us.
- attempt to get Oscar excited about his sister – right now the concept is simply foreign to him. once he has a picture, maybe things will make a bit more sense.
- knit “baby” blankets – yes, plural. that’s because when I started knitting one for Etta, I realized I had not done one for Oscar, so now I have two projects. any bets on how many will be finished anytime soon?
- potty train Oscar – this is underway now. Nanny Norma told Oscar on New Year’s Eve that “next year you potty train”. I didn’t realize that by “next year,” she meant the next day she came to work, but Oscar has been making friends with his toilet ever since. this is going to take months. many months.
- take advantage of our routine – to go out to lunch with some friends or get that massage I keep saying I’ll get. it’s not going to get any easier to slip away when there are two of them at home, is it?
- enjoy being the mom of one awesome kid – one of the hardest parts of deciding whether to add to our family was knowing that I would have to change the special relationship I have with Oscar, as an only child. I think it will work out for the best for all of us, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult.
That’s my list. See anything major I’m missing? Anything you wish you had done before child #X came home?
Bet you weren’t expecting this
You guys totally forgot that I was adopting, didn’t you? I know it’s seemed like forever and a day since I posted any news (it really hasn’t been that long; it’s just adoption-time), but I’m still waiting. But at least now I’m waiting at #2! I’m betting there’ll be no referral news for me until February at the earliest, but it’s nice to have a little bit of movement and see at least one family get news of their referral.
waiting
Where I’ve Been
